Episode 23 - Are You Normal? Take the Test!

Today is all about a "normal" and if the things we do in private are normal, like is it normal to talk to your dog like they are a person? Oprah thinks it sure is.

The audience has devices that allow them to answer multiple choice questions, which is supposed to gauge what's normal. I will try to hit on highlights and not every single little question; where it's a. So, here we go.

How often do you have sex? (With studio audience responses in parentheses)
A) At least once a week (37%)
B) About once a month (19%)
C) Every single day (2%)
D) It's been awhile (42%)

The audience sure got a kick out of this one! Experts say 26% of all couples have sex two to three times a week. That seems normal to me, based on my experience and that of my closer circle of friends. Ok!

Have you ever faked it?
1. Yes (77%)
2. No (23%)

Fascinating that normal is 70% of women and 34% of men. Oy. Oprah says she could demonstrate but doesn't want it on YouTube. Ha! I can honestly say I never have--I've only been with my husband and have never had to because we communicate and the need to fake it if it's not happening isn't there. Praise God for a being redeemed sex life!

Oprah has Dr. Phil on the show, and he shares that the average man, between when he thinks it's time to have sex, and when he climaxes is 2 1/2 minutes; for women, it's 14.

A couple is in the audience to share a secret--they've been married for 9 years, they say they're happily married, but for 8 of those years they have had separate bedrooms on separate floors of the house they share with their two children. For them it works so well, they want to know if it's normal. Oprah asks the audience and 83% respond that it's not. A national study says that 1 in 4 American couples sleep in separate beds and that by 2015, 60% of custom built homes will have two master suites.

Dr. Phil asks the couple why, and the wife says she started during the discomfort of pregnancy, and she found that a good night's sleep made her a better person the next day. Having her own room at her temperature, lots of covers, etc, works for her and not him. The husband is ok with it. Dr. Phil's concern is what they're missing; they say they have the snuggle time, but Dr. Phil insists that actually sleeping together is one of the most intimate things a couple can do and he thinks that whoever is behind all of the double sets of master suites means that somewhere a village is missing their idiot. Ba-dum-CHAH!

Before the break we are teased with: What is the most Googled word ever out of sex, weight, love, or money... and there was a school bus crash so this got cut off for me. I'm not sure how much I missed, but when we come back, Oprah and Dr. Phil were talking about parents lying to their kids and if that's normal. Dr. Phil says you lie to kids to ease them into the reality of life (such as saying a dead hamster actually went off to a farm, and coming up with stories about why they went).

For more on lying, Oprah has a segment with women lying about their weight on their driver's licenses; most women were at least 20 pounds off. The women in the audience say that 56% of them lie about it, but the statistics say 68% do. Dr. Phil says that men lie twice as often as women do, but about different things.

Women's top 4 lies:
1. I'm fine, nothing's wrong
2. Oh, this isn't new, I've had this old thing forever
3. This was cheap, I got it on sale
4. I have a headache

Men's top 4 lies: 
1. Same-- I'm fine, nothing's wrong
2. This is my last drink
3. No, that doesn't make you look fat
4. Hey, I'm on the way

This has Oprah practically ROTFL :) She sure finds Dr. Phil entertaining!

Have you ever hidden a food wrapper in the garbage so people wouldn't know what you ate?
1. Yes (67%)
2. No (33%)

The next piece is about football, with a clip of a rabid Pittsburgh Steelers fan whose entire Sunday is all about watching the game, rewatching the TiVo'd game, and watching all of the commentary. The wife wants to know if he's normal. Oprah polls the audience this question:

How many hours of football should a man watch per week?
1. Zero (5%)
2. Three (42%)
3. Six (50%)
4. 12+ (3%)

To this I say WHY ONLY MEN? I love football! But the rabid fan says he watches 40-50 hours a week. Dang! That's crazy town, obsessive, and abnormal. Dr. Phil says that what matters is when the game is over that he husband goes to his wife, looks her in the eye, and asks what she would like to do.

The next segment is with Dr. Oz and it's about things like how often you pick your nose, to look at the tissue after you blow your nose, that it's normal to look at your poop, pimple / zit popping, oral hygiene habits, etc. I'll pull out things that strike me, and I find it fascinating, but for the purposes of redemption I'm not feeling it as important to hit on these. The big theme is that Dr. Oz says people audit their bodies and we're curious about what comes out of it.

After the break we see a woman who thinks about her dog all the time, and even calls home and leaves messages for him on the answering machine to tell him about her day. Oprah poses the question to the studio audience.

Is it normal for pet owners to treat their pets like humans?
1. Yes (76%)
2. No (24%)

One survey says that 94% of people speak to their pets like they're human. Oprah says her five dogs are like family members to her; she suggests that the phone-message leaving lady take her dog to the shelter and let him pick out another dog to be his companion.

After the break we learn that 56% of women sleep totally naked. A clip shows us a mom who cleans her house every single day after she sends her kids to school... but she cleans completely naked. She's been doing so for 17 years. She wants to know if that's normal, so Oprah asks the audience.

Have you ever done household chores naked?
1. Always (3%)
2. Sometimes (20%)
3. Never (77%)

Oprah's big into the never camp. I will only say that I have had a long-time nicknamed of Tami No Pants... but she's only for my husband :)

We learn that 90% people sing while driving. Nice! How sad for that other 10% to not know the grand joy :)

Oh! I didn't miss the most googled word! It's at the very end and it's... love. And we're done!

Gospel Filter Review

There are two big things I want to hit on. These might not make me very popular, but good thing that my goal is Jesus and His truth!

Lying
I wanted to touch on lying, and parents lying to kids in particular. The Bible couldn't be more clear--thou shalt not lie. Right? But then some argue that other versions are slightly different; the ESV says, "You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor." So you shouldn't lie about other people, but is it wrong to fudge your weight on your license? Or to tell your kids there's a Santa?

Here's the litmus test: what does God value in the situation? The Bible contains the word "truth" 140 times. Truth. Secondly, what is your motive in lying? What are you really saying when you intentionally lie about your weight on your license? God cares about your heart. He cares that you worship Him in all you do. Are you not happy with your body? God wants you to ask Him what He thinks. I can tell you right now--He thinks you are His fearfully, wonderfully made child, knit together by Him in your mother's womb (Psalm 139). If you are worshiping God and He convicts you of gluttony or laziness, then you can repent and you can ask Him to help you trust Him and have peace about what your body looks like. It's fine to lose weight, to want a healthy body. But God cares that you worship Him, and hating your body and/or lying about it isn't worshiping Him.

What about lying to your kids? This is sticky. I can't tell you that telling your kids there is a Santa Claus is evil. But my husband's and my deep conviction, and what I see in the Bible is that God loves truth. I want to model to my children God's love of the truth, and I don't want to ever lie to them. I want them to trust me, and when and if I do lie to them, I want to confess that to them and repent. God loves the truth! And, on the issue of death, I think knowing Jesus makes all the difference in the world. Instead of trying to protect them by lying, which I think sets them up for a harsher reality later, what a great chance to point to the Bible, to how Jesus conquered death, but that death is very sad and the Bible says it's ok to grieve, but when we know Jesus we get to grieve with hope in Jesus (I Thessalonians 4:13). As for issues of Santa, and the wonder and merriment of children, we have such great hope and wonder in God that we don't need to make up Santas and tooth fairies and Easter bunnies--we can celebrate our great Father and the good gifts He gives and we don't have to lie and confuse our children about what truth is and whether or not we're trustworthy.

Pets
Oh, pets. I live in a city, and in more particular a neighborhood, where the major trend is to not have kids but to get dogs and then treat them like spoiled children. Just today, at JoAnn Fabrics, two ladies had dogs that were about to attack one another. One of the cashiers told my husband and I that he just moved here from Minnesota and was shocked to find that the "no dogs allowed" policy simply isn't enforced. I told him that I love dogs, but that stores are for people and not dogs, so I feel him.

That is the thing--pets are a good gift to enjoy. Animals show us the creativity of our great God! To think that He spoke them into being, the many types and kinds and all of the ways they live and move and exist and enrich our lives. It's so cool! However, animals are not people. God sent His Son to die on the cross for humanity. I don't think it's wrong to love pets, to take care of them, to talk to them. But it's always important to keep animals in perspective. People matter more to God, and they should matter more to us.

True story: one day this last summer, a dear friend of mine was walking around with her two children, aged about 9 months and 20 months at the time, and a lady sitting in her convertible with her dog in the front seat yelled, "Have you ever heard of birth control?" It makes me sad that people would despise someone else's babies and treat their dog like a child. God told people to multiply and raise Godly offspring, not to refuse to have children, and raise pets instead.  Clearly, Oprah has made her dogs her children, and it saddens me because the good gift-from-God desire to be a mother is poured out on dogs.

Again, pets are great! But even Christians fall into the trap of idolizing pets. Some women struggling with infertility get a pet and pour some of their desire for parenting into that baby. Once again, it's all about the heart! God will be faithful to unveil idolatry and turn our hearts toward Him if we belong to Him.

In Sum
It's not about being perfect, never lying and having a perfect attitude toward your pets. Ask God to help you see your pet as a blessing from Him but not as a replacement for a wanted nor unwanted child. The place to start is Jesus being the center of your life, and then asking Him to help you desire what He desires for you. He'll change your heart. He'll give you Himself and you'll want to repent as He shows you how your sin affects Him. It's always all about Jesus and living for His glory. That's all that matters.

Up Tomorrow
The Sister Wives Controversy: Inside America's Polygamist TV Family