Episode 28 - First TV Interview: Tyler Perry Speaks Out About Being Molested

Tyler Perry 

Recap
Tyler Perry is literally a media mogul. He's the first African American man to own his own movie studio. Forbes recently named him the second highest earning man--not African American man, just man--in Hollywood. Today, though, he is opening up about his horribly painful childhood of sexual and physical abuse. Oprah  makes the point that many would say this topic would be better left private; however, both he and Oprah believe that his willingness to open up on this stage (Oprah's show is highly influential, as most anyone knows) will provide a pivotal moment for millions of men in this country who keep these painful secrets from their own childhood in the dark.

Oprah asks why Tyler is just now opening up, and he says that before his mother died, he felt that talking would be a source of pain for her. Now that she's gone, he feels like it's time to "take care of me" and get things in the open and be set free from it.

Physical Abuse
Seeing his pain is gut wrenching. He sees a picture of himself as a boy, and gets choked up and says he feels like he died as a child. He can't even look at the picture of himself, despite Oprah's comment about how cute he was. Tyler describes how much his father hated him, and constantly told him how despicable, stupid, and worthless he was. Tyler's aunt, who is in the audience, recounts her horror at seeing Tyler after one particularly horrible beating from his father with a vacuum cleaner. Oprah asks if the family knew, and his aunt says that they didn't realize how bad it was.

When he would be beat, Tyler would go to a park in his mind. It was his way to deal with what was happening, to escape to himself as a little boy at the park. He recounts a story where his dad beat him so severely that he couldln't get to the park in his mind. He says when he finally could start to see the grass, the little boy kept running away. Broken and in tears he says that he couldn't get the little boy, himself, "to come back to me." He says felt like he died that day.

Oprah asks about Tyler trying to slit his wrists, and he says that what saved him was his mother taking him to church. Seeing her there, happily singing in the choir, seeing her faith in God, gave him hope. Oprah recounts to him what he has told her, that he feels like the greatest gift his mother gave was that she gave him Jesus, and he reiterates that truth.

Sexual Abuse
When we return from the first break, Tyler and Oprah begin to talk about sexual abuse. He was 5 or 6 when the man across the street was putting his hand Tyler's pants. He remembers not understanding it, and escaping to his park in his mind, but feeling his body betraying him because he was getting an erection even at that early age. A male nurse at the hospital did the same thing, and then a man in the church who used God and the Bible against Tyler to sexually abuse him. Then, at age 10, the mother of a friend down the street sexually abused him, basically pulled him onto herself to have sex with her because he describes again that his body was betraying him.

Oprah asks why he never told, or if he had an opportunity to tell, and he describes a girl who was a friend and him realizing his dad was touching that little girl. He told his mother, who took action, but when they were leaving the house his father angrily proclaimed to Tyler that he would, "get him for this." Tragically, his mother went back and his physical abuse became much, much worse. His mother was also beat by his father and Tyler says she was very passive, not able to stand up for herself let alone able to stand up for him.

Oprah and Tyler discuss "blood in the water"; predators are sharks who can sense when a child is vulnerable. Both of them were abused by multiple people as children, and felt like there was something wrong with them. The idea that they must be doing something wrong to bring the abuse on themselves was a prevalent lie that plagued them both.

Responding to Abuse & His Sexuality
Oprah discusses how, after her rape, she acted out. She asks Tyler how he responded, and he says there was a lot of rage. Until age 28, he was just existing, getting through life. He was violent, burned down a house, stealing, burned out his car, and made everyone around him miserable. He says he was incredibly confused; he knew he liked girls, yet his sexuality was confusing because when a man would molest him, his body would respond so he didn't understand himself.

Intimacy
Then, he explains situations, sexual encounters, with women he was in serious relationships with, seeing how triggers from his childhood would turn him off. Tyler also remembers an aunt telling his cousins that if they had sex before marriage they would go to hell. After sex, he would immediately shower and try to wash the sex off of him so he could feel clean and he'd be praying so he could get away from it. He didn't realize that he did this until one day, a woman he loved just held him and wouldn't let him go and it forced him to realize what was going on.

Tyler describes, after his success, seeing the woman who had abused him. He immediately prayed, "God, why now?" and he says he heard the voice of God in his head, as he always has, saying, "Because it's over now." Oprah and Tyler then transition to talking about craving intimacy, and Tyler says this is why he's speaking out. Men are told to be strong, that boys don't cry, to just buck up and deal with it; Tyler says that what happens, then, is men bottle all of this up but they take it out on their women, unable to truly be intimate and close with the women they love. Tyler is talking, then, because he's learning and has learned to be able to let these things go, to overcome them by opening up.

Tyler and His Father Now
After another break, we see a clip of Tyler revisiting his childhood home in New Orleans that aired on 60 Minutes. He shows his hideout, his safe place, a tiny crawl space under the house. Back in the studio, we learn that Tyler's father is still alive. Oprah asks how Tyler feels, knowing that his father will likely hear about this show. He says he doesn't care; it's hard for me to type this because it makes me so angry, but I will recount what Tyler shares.

He sent an e-mail to basically everyone that matters to him, including his staff and friends, after his mother died briefly touching on his abuse; that was the beginning of these things coming out. His father heard about it and Tyler thought that maybe there would be remorse; maybe he'd call and say something about it. Instead, through Tyler's brother, his father sent back this message:

If I had beat your ass one more time you probably would have been Barack Obama.

There is no remorse, no regret. Tyler says he's trying to heal from this and yet that's what his father said to him. Oprah says that she knows that Tyler is financially providing well for his father and taking care of him, and Tyler says it's because he forgave his father. Tyler tells Oprah that the strength it took to take the abuse is the same strength it takes to forgive.

Oprah and Tyler discuss how anger in a moment is good; Tyler angrily yelled at his father and told him everything he wished he could say when he was 28 years old. Tyler says that was a turning point; it ripped "whatever [he] was holding onto" out of him and he could let it go. The anger was good, but bitterness is not, and that's why he forgave his father and now takes care of him financially. He says that the greatest thing his father could have is something he doesn't have--a relationship with Tyler. He doesn't know his son and he won't.

Gratitude 
Tyler thanks Oprah, telling her that on behalf of the millions of people who will never be able to sit on her couch and tell her this, that she was the one who changed his life. On her show she said that it's cathartic to write about one's experiences. He did that and it was a turning point in his life, and he feels that he owes where he is now to her and he thanks her. He doesn't want this 25th anniversary season to end, for the show to end without that being said to her publicly.

Oprah shows Tyler a picture of himself as a little boy and asks what he'd tell himself then if he could. He says that he sees himself, with those eyes that are so sad, and he would tell him that it's going to be all right, that he'll (today Tyler) will make him (child Tyler) proud.

Tyler's Movies
Oprah and Tyler discuss his movies. His latest, For Colored Girls, is gaining Oscar buzz already. He's known for movies that deal starkly and honestly with dark and painful issues that African American women face. He notes that in watching back some of his movies, he realizes that in a way it's the little boy in him reaching out to his mother through his movies.

Reaching Others
We see a woman named Selena who was raped as a little girl and who hid her body from men by escaping into food and reaching a weight of 371 pounds. Her grandmother introduced her to Tyler's movies and plays, and she found hope in seeing the things that are taboo in the Black community--rape, molestation, homosexuality--being dealt with openly. She says Tyler taught her that forgiveness is for you, so that you can be free. That allowed her to realize she was worthy of being loved.

We see that Selena, with the help of surgery, "took back her life" (Oprah's words) and lost 216 pounds. Selena is in the audience and tells Tyler that his words changed her life. Tyler's courage to come forth and put his truth on the table, paired with God's grace, allowed her to have her life back.

November 5th Show
In the final segment, Oprah tells us to mark our calendars because on November 5th Tyler Perry will return, and 200 men will fill her studio. They will come forward and discuss how being molested as boys changed their lives; Oprah says that for many of them, it will be the first time anyone--their wives, mothers, etc--has heard about the abuse. Tyler and Oprah are doing this show in order to "lift the shame" that is on men in our nation and world. Oprah thanks Tyler and we fade out.

Gospel Filter Review
This is going to be very difficult. So difficult, in fact, that I had to not finish this (I did the recap late Wednesday night; I'm now finishing Thursday morning) so that I could pray and seek God's wisdom more than usual before responding.

First of all, I want to point people back to the original post I wrote about sexual abuse. I still maintain that there is something profoundly demonic about the sexual abuse of children, and I ache for the wounds and scars that Tyler, and all victims of such a horrendous crime, carries. I also think the same demonic presence is at work in physical abuse of children; Tyler's father is a sinner, no doubt, but the way he hated his own son has supernaturally evil threads and it's heartbreaking. There's also a point I want to reiterate about the innocence of children with regards to sexuality in the post from Monday that I would encourage people to read if you haven't already.

Lastly, I've written at length about what true forgiveness looks like, so I encourage you to read that, as well (just go to the link and then do a ctrl+f for forgiveness until you are reading about it in the Gospel Filter Review). As a simple recap, forgiveness isn't about letting go, nor is it about making ourselves feel better. Forgiveness is the conscious decision to trust God to take vengeance on sin. If a person belongs to Jesus then Jesus paid for their sin; if they don't, then they will pay for their sin. In order to trust God with this, we must belong to Jesus and experience the forgiveness of our own sins.

The overwhelming thing on my heart after this episode is very sticky, and so I am praying for the Holy Spirit to help me be very clear and careful in my words. I can only go by the words people said on this show; I don't have the liberty of sitting down with Tyler and asking clarifying questions about things he stated. I serve as leadership in a ministry where I work with women with stories similar to Tyler's, and as they share I am praying for them. When I don't hear in their story that Jesus has met them there in a real way, I get to ask questions that help reveal their heart. Sometimes they weren't articulating clearly, and sometimes they really haven't allowed Jesus into that part of their lives, even if they are a born-again, blood-bought Christian who belongs to Jesus.

This is why I am being very cautious--by no means am I seeking to state nor imply that Tyler Perry doesn't have authentic relationship with God. Only Jesus can reveal to Tyler if the God he calls Jesus is actually the Lord Jesus Christ who died for his sins and rose from the tomb, or if it's a religious system with the name "Jesus" tacked on but that isn't actually Christ, or even a clever demonic scheme to masquerade as Christ but without the true power of the Gospel present, thus a false religion just as far from God as Islam or Buddhism or atheism. I am not seeking to determine which of these scenarios are true for Tyler.

That said, some things he said stood out to me, and those are things that I would hope someone who loves Jesus and loves Tyler would pursue in him. For one, simply talking about the past doesn't heal us. There is a power in bringing something into the light, in speaking about something that was kept in darkness. But only Jesus heals us. Only when we're seeking Jesus, seeking to allow Him access into the broken parts of our hearts as a result of sin (be it our own or that against us), are we able to see the past put into it's rightful place--something that does affect us and must continually be taken to Jesus as things rise up in our hearts (so it's not just something that we're "over" because we choose to be) but not something that owns us and dictates everything we do.

With that, then, we never had the strength in ourselves to get through the past. I can testify to this--I saw myself as so strong, because I endured and chose to believe that the horrific abuse of my childhood, incidents ranging from long-term abuse at the hands of my biological father to encounters with four other men, all trusted close family friends or family members, did not affect me. Yet, similarly to Selena, I ballooned to a weight of 376 pounds. I felt panicked and terrified when I would notice men's eyes glancing at my breasts. I was desperate to be completely in control of any sexual encounter with my eventual husband, and, due to child on child sexual abuse that was likely begun by a young female relative, I was haunted with wondering about my own sexuality though I was only ever attracted to boys and only ever wanted to be in a relationship with a man.

There are myriad other ways that my past affected me--lack of trusting anyone, in particular, harmed many relationships. The most harmful effect has been a lack of trusting God, believing lies about His character (that He's not good, for example, or that He doesn't really love me but expects my slave like obedience regardless) and not allowing Him into my heart. I proclaimed I was fine, over my childhood, yet in my heart I kept everything behind lock and key and closed my eyes to the effects it did have on me.

This is not true strength. I can only speak of my own experience, but I repeat--this is not strength. It's denial. Only since surrendering to Christ's pursuit and allowing Him into my heart, to bring things up as He wills, have I begun to heal. The strength to forgive, then, has not been my own, either. And forgiveness is not that I choose to be over it so I won't be bitter. As I wrote about before, forgiveness has looked like praying in earnest that the men who abused me would know Christ's redemption but to trust that God that He is holy and what was done to me will not go unpunished. God is a righteous God and He hates evil perpetrated against children. He is good and Jesus willingly takes that punishment for all who belong to Him, but if someone doesn't then they don't just get to skip into heaven and get away with their sin.

So, in closing, I don't know Tyler's heart. Perhaps his words misrepresented what his interaction with Christ has looked like. But we must redeem his words, rejecting any notion that on our own strength we're capable of anything but death and destruction, and embracing the truth that God is the one who desires that we cast all of the anxieties in our hearts upon Him because He truly does love and care for us (I Peter 5:7).

Finally, I am praying for Oprah's November 5th show because if we bring something into the light, exposing the darkness (Ephesians 5), but we don't bring them to Jesus' feet then we are exposing ourselves to enemy attack and giving him opportunity to gain a foothold or an all out stronghold in our lives. To be clear, silence is not better or preferred! I just ache to think that men searching for healing could be led even farther astray into a worldly system of looking inward for strength, or to others for acceptance, that ultimately leads to more pain and death because it cannot sustain nor fulfill nor heal the brokenness.

I am praying for the men who share about their sexual abuse as children, that Jesus is pursuing them and that their hearts are turned toward Christ. Only Jesus lifts the shame by cleansing us from the effects of sin and robing us with His righteousness; talking alone can't do that and it's a lie of the world that it will. I pray that Oprah would come to know Jesus and believe this truth; I truly believe she wants to help people and doesn't realize that she may well be aiding the enemy in keeping hearts turned inward to self and outward to other people but never upward to Jesus Christ, and He is the only one who matters. All else, including a righted self-image and reight relationship with others, flows from relationship with Him. Please join me in praying for Oprah, Tyler, and the 200 men, that Jesus would be glorified.

Up Tomorrow
Lisa Marie Presley Speaks Out About the Death of Michael Jackson