Episode 40 - A 2-Day Oprah Show Event: 200 Men Who Were Molested Come Forward Part I

200 Men Who Were Sexually Abused


Oprah begins by saying that all 200 men in her studio audience are holding a picture of when they say they were first sexually abused. She's silent, and the camera pans over the men's faces and their pictures. The silence is devastating. Already I am crying and know this will be an incredibly difficult episode for me. I'm praying for Jesus' grace and wisdom, that I would discern His truth, reflect His heart toward these men, and that Jesus would get the glory in my covering this episode.

Oprah says these men are standing together to lift veil of shame and discuss how their abuse has changed their lives. Statistically, the estimates are that 1 in every 6 men are abused, and 90% of abusers target someone they know. In a montage, we learn that the men are from all walks of life, the age when their abuse began spans from very young to their teens, and that they were abused by men from various walks of life as well.

Tyler Perry
Tyler Perry, who spoke about his abuse last week (you can read about that episode here), is back on the show. After a recap of that episode, Oprah asks Tyler how he's feeling since then; he replies that he feels a lot lighter. Oprah says that their hope and prayer--she says they prayed before coming out to do the show--is that the men would be encouraged to talk because every time you talk it releases the shame a little more.

Learning Details
Oprah says that both she and Tyler were abused by multiple people and asks for the men to, by show of hands, tell if they were abused by multiple people. Many hands--I estimate at least a quarter, possibly more than a third, so 50-75--are immediately raised. Oprah tells us that backstage, women who love these men--primarily wives, mothers, partners, etc--are watching and learning about the details of their loved one's story for the first time. As we go to break, some of the men, in pre-recorded clips, say exactly what happened to them. From rape to being urinated on (one man, as a young boy, was forced to allow his perpetrator to urinate in his mouth), the details are graphic, dark, and devastating.

Grooming
After the break, we see more clips, this time with men talking about grooming; you can read more about grooming in Daniel's story in this post. Grooming is a process in which the abuser earns the trust of the child and manipulates them so that when the abuse begins, and as it escalates, the child will not speak up to anyone. Various methods, many overlapping, include making the child feel like it's his fault or that somehow he wants it, threatening the child, and, in particular a devastating method for boys, is using their body's physiological response to convince them that they not only like it (and for some boys it does feel good) but that they want it.


Patrick & Kevin
Identical twins thought that Catholic school would be a safe place. The twins were altar boys and in third grade, age eight, a priest pulled them out of class 5-7 times a week to torture and abuse them. Eventually the priest forced them to choose--he could abuse them, or they could abuse each other. They would choose each other to protect one another from the priest. But then it became worse--over the 13 years, other priests joined in, binding the boys and gang raping them.

The two men are now in the studio sitting down with Oprah and the audience gives them a standing ovation. Oprah explains that they are standing together with them because they have lived through that pain and shame, and understand the horror. Oprah says her hope from this show is that it will release the guilt, that it's absolutely not their fault, that it's always the abuser's fault.

After a break the twins tells us that the priest offered them money, and they used that money for drugs. They became addicted to the drugs, which made them dependent up on the priest. They say it finally stopped, years later (they would have been 22 when it stopped if it began at age 8 and went on for 13 years) because their father suspected something wasn't right and so he began taping phone conversations. He was the one who found out and was able to put an end to it.

Abuse Changes You
Oprah asks if the twins feel changed, and they say absolutely. She spoke with men who are abusers, and one said that every time he abused the little girl he was hurting it was like "little murders", meaning that he knew he was profoundly altering who this little girl was and would become. The twins say that this is true, that every day they cry inside wondering who could have been, who they might be now had the abuse never happened. The potential to be someone else was taken from them, and one brother says he doesn't trust people and is a very bitter man. Tyler Perry reiterates that he, too, for many years was a bitter man.

Take The Power Back
Tyler says the only way to change away from being a bitter man is to get your power back by forgiving. He says it's a process, but you must do it. Oprah clarifies that forgiveness does not in any way mean saying that what happened was ok. Instead, she says, "Forgiveness means I am not going to let you continue to hold the reigns over my life." She says a beautiful definition of forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different; it's accepting the past for what it was and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward. This garners applause from all of the men.

Chad
When he was 7, Chad's father began abusing him. He says that it seemed like it would happen as soon as his mother would leave the house, and it was the only time his father gave him any attention. It started with his father making him touch the older man's genitals, escalating to oral sex. His father once tried to sodomize him but it didn't work, so he would kiss him and force him to continue the oral sex. It continued for 7 years, happening up to 4 times a week. The disgust in his voice as he recalls the feeling of his father's facial hair when he could kiss him is visceral and literally makes me want to vomit because of my own memories of abuse at the hands of my biological father. He says it was difficult for him, as it is for many men, because it felt good to his body and it caused him to question his sexuality. He finally told his mom at age 17, but no one in his family believed him.

In the studio, Chad recounts to Oprah confronting his father about 6 months ago. He told his father he was there to talk about what had happened; the father at first refused to talk to him but he threatened to yell it through the neighborhood so his father finally sat down. He says he expressed how it's affected him because he doesn't trust; he struggles with feeling good enough, worthy of being loved. Oprah says that it's healthy adn normal for him to feel a certain sense of shame, that his father was disrespecting him as a human and as his son, so of course he would take that in and have issues.

Oprah inquires about where his mother was when this was happening; Chad says that she was once in the bed sleeping right next to them (the whole family was sharing a bed at a hotel en route home from vacation, so his sister was there, asleep, as well) as it was happening. Oprah asks if Chad thinks his mother knew, and he says he sometimes thinks she must have had an inclination. His behavior changed drastically; at 13, 14 he began drinking and doing drugs. When he spoke up at 17, he was drunk and so his mother and sister thought he was just trying to break up the family.

After a break, Oprah tells us that her producers spoke to Chad's father. He admitted to molesting Chad and at one point was going to come on the show but changed his mind. The decision was made (not because of Chad's father) that the show was going to go the direction of being for the abused, for them to free themselves, and not to be in any way about the molesters speaking out. Oprah asks if the fact that his father admits what he did means that his father understands what he did, and Chad says no, he doesn't. Also painful is the fact that his mother remains married to and with his mother.

Oprah asks Chad about his children, if they know his father. He says that they have been around his father but don't hug or touch him and are never alone with him. Sometimes they are alone with his mother but never his father, and Oprah asks him how he could ever trust his mother to do right by his children if she didn't do right by him. He doesn't have the chance to respond, and she asks him if he's angry. He says he is still angry, he just takes it out on the wrong people. Oprah tells him that she hopes today is a start for healing and we go to break.

The Shame
After a break, some of the men in clips talk about how the shame owned them. One man says that it became a part of him, that he was part of the darkness. Another says that a horrible crime was committed against him when he was under ten years old and the crime against him shouldn't cause him to feel ashamed.

In the studio Oprah introduces Dr. Howard Fradkin ; he specializes in working with male victims of sexual abuse and assault. He has worked with over 1,000 men. The men applaud him, but I'm just so sad that there have been 1,000 men for him to work with, plus the 200 men in room. Oprah asks how it is that we don't know about this, and one man says that from the instant he was abused he felt complicit and that it was his fault. Oprah bluntly asks if there is a connection between male physiology, the tendency in most boys for their penis to become erect when being abused, and the idea amongst men that they're not only complicit, but enjoying the abuse and that it's their fault.

The doctor says that little boys want attention and so perpetrators pick them out. Oprah wants the men to know that it is not their fault. The mind of the molester is looking for the child who is most vulnerable and so the one who is abused has absolutely no fault in the abuse. Oprah says many want to know why people go back, and the perpetrator tells so many lies--they say they'll never do the bad stuff again. They say this is nurturing you, good for you, because they love you. Tyler Perry points out that so many of those little boys don't know what love is, which sets them up to believe the false love offered by their perpetrator.

Closing Thoughts
Oprah tells us that next Friday, in part 2 of 2 of this episode, we'll hear from the women who have been watching. Additionally, Dr. Fradkin will help walk through some of the effects of the abuse, and they'll begin to deal with what after effects--what comes after speaking up, and how to prepare for the possible reactions.

Gospel Filter Review (GFR)
I have written extensively on sexual abuse, so it's definitely best to refer back to those. The original Tyler Perry episode is a great resource in particular. Additionally, I'm so glad that there was an aspect of forgiveness that Oprah totally got right--forgiveness is NOT saying that what someone has done to you when they sin against you is ok. She's still missing the biggest piece, though, which is that forgiveness is only something we can give someone else through what Jesus has done for us, so read these posts; this one is the best resource for what true forgiveness is; read the GFR under the Terry McMillan segment.

Today, the biggest thing that stands out to me is redeeming the notion of shame to a Biblical one. Oprah was right when she says that when a person sexually abuses you they are leveling a disrespect toward you that absolutely can cause you to take ownership of the shame of that horrible crime. However, to simply say, "It's not your fault," doesn't cleanse you. I've shared pieces of my story before on this blog, and the sexual abuse I endured was always clearly not my fault. As soon as I knew it was wrong I was told in the same breath that it wasn't my fault. And it's true--an infant cannot bring sexual abuse on themselves. Neither can an older child; that said, the point is that I knew there was no way I did anything to deserve what had happened to me.

Yet knowing I wasn't culpable did not fix me. Even when I was older and knew that the abuse was wrong, even in one instance where a different man was so desperate to get a glimpse of my naked lower half around age 8 that I finally relented, but forced him to give me money just to see me for those literal two seconds, it was no different. Whether I did nothing or manipulated the situation to my advantage, as is the case with the incident, I felt the same driving desire to escape that anything had ever happened at all. The effects of abuse manifest differently in people; some go the route of wallowing in the shame and becoming self-destructive. Another common path is to deny anything "bad" ever happened and to go to the extreme of trying to be perfect and successful. I was the latter sort, yet deep down I experienced just as much shame and desire to cleanse the filth attached to me as someone who turns to substance abuse and promiscuity.

So, then, what is shame? Shame affects who you are. It tells you that your worth and value are intrinsically linked to either something horrible you have done or something horrible that was done to you. Our desire to be cleansed leads us many directions, but ultimately we are powerless to wipe the shame off of ourselves. In his book Redemption: Freed By Jesus From The Idols We Worship And The Wounds We Carry, Pastor Mike Wilkerson writes (italicized emphases his; bold emphases mine):

If you put your hope in your mere will power... to keep distance between you and your shameful past, you'll be put to shame the moment you stumble and those false hopes fail you. If your hope lies in your ability to mask your wounds by acting strong, in the constant affirmation of another to make you feel worthy, or in your vigilance to avoid being harmed again, you'll inevitably be put to shame because you are not strong enough to save yourself, no one can ultimately secure your identity against your own deep doubts, and you'll never have a risk-free life as long as you live in a fallen world.

Your only true hope for lasting healing that shields you from shame is Jesus... he has already begun the healing. When you are in Christ, the old has already passed away and the new has already begun (II Corinthians 5:17). You are now a new creation in Christ. He has already touched you with his forgiveness and his healing power... he has already taken away your shame, adopting you into his family where you now belong with no more shame. 

What's more, he has sent his Spirit to live in you to complete the restoration. The same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead has been sent to give you new life and reverse sin's effects, remaking you from the inside out [he footnotes these verses: 1 Corinthians 15:45; Romans 8:11; 2 Corinthians 5:17; Colossians 3:9-10; 2 Corinthians 3:18]. The Holy Spirit will not stop until you are perfected. In the end, you will be fully redeemed, fully healed, body and soul--not merely returned to "normal" (Whatever that is), but made glorious, fit for a new heaven and new earth in God's kingdom [he footnotes these verses here: Philippians 1:6; 1 John 3:2-3; Romans 8:23].

[Mike Wilkerson is a pastor at my church, Mars Hill Church in Seattle. His book is only available for pre-order until it comes out in January, but it's the source material we use in Redemption Groups, a ministry in which I am a leader, which is how I am quoting it.]

Great stuff, right? It hits on the truth--we cannot save ourselves. We cannot cleanse ourselves. The only true cleansing, the only real redemption, comes when we belong to Jesus Christ and He not only forgives us for our sin against Him, against a good, holy, and perfect God, but He also cleanses us of the sin perpetrated against us. Nothing else works. Believe me, I have tried. I tried to "take the power back", to quote Tyler Perry, by finding the goodness in my own heart to forgive my abusers, to be the bigger and better person. It never worked. The shame lingered, taunted me, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself it was done. The doubts that maybe somehow I did deserve what happened, or believing the lie that God caused the abuse to happen to me so I could be strong and then that would make him look good, still ate away at me, corrupting my very soul. For me, it was evident in the over 200 extra pounds that I packed onto my body. I could tell everyone I had it all together, but one look at me screamed otherwise.

Another great point is that it does us no good to torture ourselves with that might have been, how "normal" we might have turned out. For one, it did happen. There is no undoing the abuse. It's absurd to think we can, and yet fantasizing about how we could be so different if it never had happened still taunts us as some alternate reality. It's a lie of the enemy, Satan, the devil, to keep us living in shame and in the past. Again, only Jesus cleanses, redeems, restores, and not just allows us to move forward but helps us have a right perspective on the past, one that includes seeking Him to forgive those who sinned against us, but that also doesn't expect us to "let go" or "get over" anything. Jesus doesn't force us to skip past the grief, slap on a smile, and say, "All better now. Jesus fixed me." He patiently, lovingly walks with us, grieves with us, feels the anger and sorrow and betrayal with us. He doesn't add to our shame by making us feel bad that we feel bad. Again, that's a tactic of Satan, not Jesus.

Lastly, I want to recommend a book to anyone who has either been abused, knows someone who has been abused (perhaps a spouse or close friend), or just wants to be better equipped to lovingly walk through abuse survivors. I haven't read this book yet, but I am friends with this couple and they love Jesus, know their Bible, and, most importantly, love others with Jesus' love. Their desire to see people who have been sexually abused set free is one that I think is only surpassed by Jesus' own heart.

The book is called Rid of My Disgrace: Hope and Healing for Victims of Sexual Assault by Pastor Justin Holcomb and his wife, Lindsey Holcomb; again, they are personal friends, Justin is also a pastor at my church. They spend much time ministering to hurting people, and they don't even know I am plugging their book. Buy it anyway. In fact, I just pre-ordered it so that when it comes out and the next time I recommend it I have actually read it!


Finally, I want to end with this verse. I think nothing better expresses a heart freed from shame; additionally, no other verse makes it more clear that this is not something we do or earn, but is completely God's grace to us because He loves us.  My prayer is that every single one of those 200 men would pray this verse back to Jesus as worship, with hearts that are in love with Him and truly free from their bondage:

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit. 

2 Corinthians 3:18, ESV

Up Monday
World Exclusive: Oprah Talks to Michael Jackson's Mother and Children

Episode 28 - First TV Interview: Tyler Perry Speaks Out About Being Molested

Tyler Perry 

Recap
Tyler Perry is literally a media mogul. He's the first African American man to own his own movie studio. Forbes recently named him the second highest earning man--not African American man, just man--in Hollywood. Today, though, he is opening up about his horribly painful childhood of sexual and physical abuse. Oprah  makes the point that many would say this topic would be better left private; however, both he and Oprah believe that his willingness to open up on this stage (Oprah's show is highly influential, as most anyone knows) will provide a pivotal moment for millions of men in this country who keep these painful secrets from their own childhood in the dark.

Oprah asks why Tyler is just now opening up, and he says that before his mother died, he felt that talking would be a source of pain for her. Now that she's gone, he feels like it's time to "take care of me" and get things in the open and be set free from it.

Physical Abuse
Seeing his pain is gut wrenching. He sees a picture of himself as a boy, and gets choked up and says he feels like he died as a child. He can't even look at the picture of himself, despite Oprah's comment about how cute he was. Tyler describes how much his father hated him, and constantly told him how despicable, stupid, and worthless he was. Tyler's aunt, who is in the audience, recounts her horror at seeing Tyler after one particularly horrible beating from his father with a vacuum cleaner. Oprah asks if the family knew, and his aunt says that they didn't realize how bad it was.

When he would be beat, Tyler would go to a park in his mind. It was his way to deal with what was happening, to escape to himself as a little boy at the park. He recounts a story where his dad beat him so severely that he couldln't get to the park in his mind. He says when he finally could start to see the grass, the little boy kept running away. Broken and in tears he says that he couldn't get the little boy, himself, "to come back to me." He says felt like he died that day.

Oprah asks about Tyler trying to slit his wrists, and he says that what saved him was his mother taking him to church. Seeing her there, happily singing in the choir, seeing her faith in God, gave him hope. Oprah recounts to him what he has told her, that he feels like the greatest gift his mother gave was that she gave him Jesus, and he reiterates that truth.

Sexual Abuse
When we return from the first break, Tyler and Oprah begin to talk about sexual abuse. He was 5 or 6 when the man across the street was putting his hand Tyler's pants. He remembers not understanding it, and escaping to his park in his mind, but feeling his body betraying him because he was getting an erection even at that early age. A male nurse at the hospital did the same thing, and then a man in the church who used God and the Bible against Tyler to sexually abuse him. Then, at age 10, the mother of a friend down the street sexually abused him, basically pulled him onto herself to have sex with her because he describes again that his body was betraying him.

Oprah asks why he never told, or if he had an opportunity to tell, and he describes a girl who was a friend and him realizing his dad was touching that little girl. He told his mother, who took action, but when they were leaving the house his father angrily proclaimed to Tyler that he would, "get him for this." Tragically, his mother went back and his physical abuse became much, much worse. His mother was also beat by his father and Tyler says she was very passive, not able to stand up for herself let alone able to stand up for him.

Oprah and Tyler discuss "blood in the water"; predators are sharks who can sense when a child is vulnerable. Both of them were abused by multiple people as children, and felt like there was something wrong with them. The idea that they must be doing something wrong to bring the abuse on themselves was a prevalent lie that plagued them both.

Responding to Abuse & His Sexuality
Oprah discusses how, after her rape, she acted out. She asks Tyler how he responded, and he says there was a lot of rage. Until age 28, he was just existing, getting through life. He was violent, burned down a house, stealing, burned out his car, and made everyone around him miserable. He says he was incredibly confused; he knew he liked girls, yet his sexuality was confusing because when a man would molest him, his body would respond so he didn't understand himself.

Intimacy
Then, he explains situations, sexual encounters, with women he was in serious relationships with, seeing how triggers from his childhood would turn him off. Tyler also remembers an aunt telling his cousins that if they had sex before marriage they would go to hell. After sex, he would immediately shower and try to wash the sex off of him so he could feel clean and he'd be praying so he could get away from it. He didn't realize that he did this until one day, a woman he loved just held him and wouldn't let him go and it forced him to realize what was going on.

Tyler describes, after his success, seeing the woman who had abused him. He immediately prayed, "God, why now?" and he says he heard the voice of God in his head, as he always has, saying, "Because it's over now." Oprah and Tyler then transition to talking about craving intimacy, and Tyler says this is why he's speaking out. Men are told to be strong, that boys don't cry, to just buck up and deal with it; Tyler says that what happens, then, is men bottle all of this up but they take it out on their women, unable to truly be intimate and close with the women they love. Tyler is talking, then, because he's learning and has learned to be able to let these things go, to overcome them by opening up.

Tyler and His Father Now
After another break, we see a clip of Tyler revisiting his childhood home in New Orleans that aired on 60 Minutes. He shows his hideout, his safe place, a tiny crawl space under the house. Back in the studio, we learn that Tyler's father is still alive. Oprah asks how Tyler feels, knowing that his father will likely hear about this show. He says he doesn't care; it's hard for me to type this because it makes me so angry, but I will recount what Tyler shares.

He sent an e-mail to basically everyone that matters to him, including his staff and friends, after his mother died briefly touching on his abuse; that was the beginning of these things coming out. His father heard about it and Tyler thought that maybe there would be remorse; maybe he'd call and say something about it. Instead, through Tyler's brother, his father sent back this message:

If I had beat your ass one more time you probably would have been Barack Obama.

There is no remorse, no regret. Tyler says he's trying to heal from this and yet that's what his father said to him. Oprah says that she knows that Tyler is financially providing well for his father and taking care of him, and Tyler says it's because he forgave his father. Tyler tells Oprah that the strength it took to take the abuse is the same strength it takes to forgive.

Oprah and Tyler discuss how anger in a moment is good; Tyler angrily yelled at his father and told him everything he wished he could say when he was 28 years old. Tyler says that was a turning point; it ripped "whatever [he] was holding onto" out of him and he could let it go. The anger was good, but bitterness is not, and that's why he forgave his father and now takes care of him financially. He says that the greatest thing his father could have is something he doesn't have--a relationship with Tyler. He doesn't know his son and he won't.

Gratitude 
Tyler thanks Oprah, telling her that on behalf of the millions of people who will never be able to sit on her couch and tell her this, that she was the one who changed his life. On her show she said that it's cathartic to write about one's experiences. He did that and it was a turning point in his life, and he feels that he owes where he is now to her and he thanks her. He doesn't want this 25th anniversary season to end, for the show to end without that being said to her publicly.

Oprah shows Tyler a picture of himself as a little boy and asks what he'd tell himself then if he could. He says that he sees himself, with those eyes that are so sad, and he would tell him that it's going to be all right, that he'll (today Tyler) will make him (child Tyler) proud.

Tyler's Movies
Oprah and Tyler discuss his movies. His latest, For Colored Girls, is gaining Oscar buzz already. He's known for movies that deal starkly and honestly with dark and painful issues that African American women face. He notes that in watching back some of his movies, he realizes that in a way it's the little boy in him reaching out to his mother through his movies.

Reaching Others
We see a woman named Selena who was raped as a little girl and who hid her body from men by escaping into food and reaching a weight of 371 pounds. Her grandmother introduced her to Tyler's movies and plays, and she found hope in seeing the things that are taboo in the Black community--rape, molestation, homosexuality--being dealt with openly. She says Tyler taught her that forgiveness is for you, so that you can be free. That allowed her to realize she was worthy of being loved.

We see that Selena, with the help of surgery, "took back her life" (Oprah's words) and lost 216 pounds. Selena is in the audience and tells Tyler that his words changed her life. Tyler's courage to come forth and put his truth on the table, paired with God's grace, allowed her to have her life back.

November 5th Show
In the final segment, Oprah tells us to mark our calendars because on November 5th Tyler Perry will return, and 200 men will fill her studio. They will come forward and discuss how being molested as boys changed their lives; Oprah says that for many of them, it will be the first time anyone--their wives, mothers, etc--has heard about the abuse. Tyler and Oprah are doing this show in order to "lift the shame" that is on men in our nation and world. Oprah thanks Tyler and we fade out.

Gospel Filter Review
This is going to be very difficult. So difficult, in fact, that I had to not finish this (I did the recap late Wednesday night; I'm now finishing Thursday morning) so that I could pray and seek God's wisdom more than usual before responding.

First of all, I want to point people back to the original post I wrote about sexual abuse. I still maintain that there is something profoundly demonic about the sexual abuse of children, and I ache for the wounds and scars that Tyler, and all victims of such a horrendous crime, carries. I also think the same demonic presence is at work in physical abuse of children; Tyler's father is a sinner, no doubt, but the way he hated his own son has supernaturally evil threads and it's heartbreaking. There's also a point I want to reiterate about the innocence of children with regards to sexuality in the post from Monday that I would encourage people to read if you haven't already.

Lastly, I've written at length about what true forgiveness looks like, so I encourage you to read that, as well (just go to the link and then do a ctrl+f for forgiveness until you are reading about it in the Gospel Filter Review). As a simple recap, forgiveness isn't about letting go, nor is it about making ourselves feel better. Forgiveness is the conscious decision to trust God to take vengeance on sin. If a person belongs to Jesus then Jesus paid for their sin; if they don't, then they will pay for their sin. In order to trust God with this, we must belong to Jesus and experience the forgiveness of our own sins.

The overwhelming thing on my heart after this episode is very sticky, and so I am praying for the Holy Spirit to help me be very clear and careful in my words. I can only go by the words people said on this show; I don't have the liberty of sitting down with Tyler and asking clarifying questions about things he stated. I serve as leadership in a ministry where I work with women with stories similar to Tyler's, and as they share I am praying for them. When I don't hear in their story that Jesus has met them there in a real way, I get to ask questions that help reveal their heart. Sometimes they weren't articulating clearly, and sometimes they really haven't allowed Jesus into that part of their lives, even if they are a born-again, blood-bought Christian who belongs to Jesus.

This is why I am being very cautious--by no means am I seeking to state nor imply that Tyler Perry doesn't have authentic relationship with God. Only Jesus can reveal to Tyler if the God he calls Jesus is actually the Lord Jesus Christ who died for his sins and rose from the tomb, or if it's a religious system with the name "Jesus" tacked on but that isn't actually Christ, or even a clever demonic scheme to masquerade as Christ but without the true power of the Gospel present, thus a false religion just as far from God as Islam or Buddhism or atheism. I am not seeking to determine which of these scenarios are true for Tyler.

That said, some things he said stood out to me, and those are things that I would hope someone who loves Jesus and loves Tyler would pursue in him. For one, simply talking about the past doesn't heal us. There is a power in bringing something into the light, in speaking about something that was kept in darkness. But only Jesus heals us. Only when we're seeking Jesus, seeking to allow Him access into the broken parts of our hearts as a result of sin (be it our own or that against us), are we able to see the past put into it's rightful place--something that does affect us and must continually be taken to Jesus as things rise up in our hearts (so it's not just something that we're "over" because we choose to be) but not something that owns us and dictates everything we do.

With that, then, we never had the strength in ourselves to get through the past. I can testify to this--I saw myself as so strong, because I endured and chose to believe that the horrific abuse of my childhood, incidents ranging from long-term abuse at the hands of my biological father to encounters with four other men, all trusted close family friends or family members, did not affect me. Yet, similarly to Selena, I ballooned to a weight of 376 pounds. I felt panicked and terrified when I would notice men's eyes glancing at my breasts. I was desperate to be completely in control of any sexual encounter with my eventual husband, and, due to child on child sexual abuse that was likely begun by a young female relative, I was haunted with wondering about my own sexuality though I was only ever attracted to boys and only ever wanted to be in a relationship with a man.

There are myriad other ways that my past affected me--lack of trusting anyone, in particular, harmed many relationships. The most harmful effect has been a lack of trusting God, believing lies about His character (that He's not good, for example, or that He doesn't really love me but expects my slave like obedience regardless) and not allowing Him into my heart. I proclaimed I was fine, over my childhood, yet in my heart I kept everything behind lock and key and closed my eyes to the effects it did have on me.

This is not true strength. I can only speak of my own experience, but I repeat--this is not strength. It's denial. Only since surrendering to Christ's pursuit and allowing Him into my heart, to bring things up as He wills, have I begun to heal. The strength to forgive, then, has not been my own, either. And forgiveness is not that I choose to be over it so I won't be bitter. As I wrote about before, forgiveness has looked like praying in earnest that the men who abused me would know Christ's redemption but to trust that God that He is holy and what was done to me will not go unpunished. God is a righteous God and He hates evil perpetrated against children. He is good and Jesus willingly takes that punishment for all who belong to Him, but if someone doesn't then they don't just get to skip into heaven and get away with their sin.

So, in closing, I don't know Tyler's heart. Perhaps his words misrepresented what his interaction with Christ has looked like. But we must redeem his words, rejecting any notion that on our own strength we're capable of anything but death and destruction, and embracing the truth that God is the one who desires that we cast all of the anxieties in our hearts upon Him because He truly does love and care for us (I Peter 5:7).

Finally, I am praying for Oprah's November 5th show because if we bring something into the light, exposing the darkness (Ephesians 5), but we don't bring them to Jesus' feet then we are exposing ourselves to enemy attack and giving him opportunity to gain a foothold or an all out stronghold in our lives. To be clear, silence is not better or preferred! I just ache to think that men searching for healing could be led even farther astray into a worldly system of looking inward for strength, or to others for acceptance, that ultimately leads to more pain and death because it cannot sustain nor fulfill nor heal the brokenness.

I am praying for the men who share about their sexual abuse as children, that Jesus is pursuing them and that their hearts are turned toward Christ. Only Jesus lifts the shame by cleansing us from the effects of sin and robing us with His righteousness; talking alone can't do that and it's a lie of the world that it will. I pray that Oprah would come to know Jesus and believe this truth; I truly believe she wants to help people and doesn't realize that she may well be aiding the enemy in keeping hearts turned inward to self and outward to other people but never upward to Jesus Christ, and He is the only one who matters. All else, including a righted self-image and reight relationship with others, flows from relationship with Him. Please join me in praying for Oprah, Tyler, and the 200 men, that Jesus would be glorified.

Up Tomorrow
Lisa Marie Presley Speaks Out About the Death of Michael Jackson

Episode 19 - Why She Sued Her Husband For $12 Million And Won

There is something called "living on the down low"; it's men, who say they are straight, and often they are married. Their "down low" life includes secretly having sex with other men, but who insist they are not gay and they need not come out nor be labeled as gay.

Bridget: The Woman Who Sued Her Husband for $12 Million And Won

Recap
Bridget had a great, high paying job, owned her own home, and lived a comfortable life. She met a man named John, and after two years of dating, she married him in her early 30s. She says that they were so in love, everything was wonderful and perfect and they had "freeing...mad, crazy sex" on their honeymoon. They had sex before marriage, but since their relationship was monogamous, they began having unprotected sex before the wedding. On the way home from the honeymoon, John got very, very sick but no one knew what it was. Later, Bridget felt very sick, was tested for everything possible, and found out she was HIV positive. She says she had been very careful and was shocked to be HIV positive; John's doctor told her that she had given her husband the virus. She describes feeling like poison, and how she sometimes still feels like poison.

Bridget and John decided to deal with the news on their own; his HIV turned into AIDS and he was telling his family she gave him the disease. Her older brother, Lee, said there had been suspicions about John's sexuality from the family but they wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and they loved their sister. However, when he heard what John was telling his family about her, Lee told Bridget to go ask John how many he'd had sex with. She did, and John said two, that they'd been actual relationships, and he just hadn't told her.

However, eventually Bridget found men-cruising-for-men websites in his internet history on his computer, and a slew of very explicit e-mails in his cache. Oprah says she saw some of those e-mails and her mind was blown, that it "was some vile stuff", and she told her producer that she "did not want it in [her] brain". One example of the e-mails that hit me was him looking for other married men with HIV/AIDS to have sex with.
Eventually, Bridget confronted her husband, kicked him out of the home, and divorced.

After break, we switch gears to Bridget saying that living with HIV isn't as simple as people say. Oprah refers to Magic Johnson as the poster child of survival, Bridget calls her out on that, saying that yes, you live if you take the medicinal cocktail, but it's not a normal, easy life. Magic Johnson has the best of everything--chefs, the best doctors, any medicine he wants, everything. So the average person with the disease looks nothing like Magic Johnson; Oprah is humble and thanks Bridget for correcting her.

Finally, we learn that Bridget sued John in a civil suit that took 7 years; she won $12 million but she hasn't seen any money. She's actually had to spend more money on legal fees because he filed for bankruptcy this summer. However, we do learn that she has a boyfriend, whom she says is a wonderful man, and he knows about the HIV but they have been very careful to ensure that she doesn't give it to him. They also got pregnant "the old-fashioned way" and she is pregnant with a little girl; she's on a medication that has proven a less than 1% chance of the baby getting the virus. Oprah thanks Bridget for her time and we go to the second half (which I promise to recap more succinctly!) of the show.

J.L. King: The Man Who Outed "Life On The Down Low" Six Years Ago Returns

Recap
We now see the man who outed the down low, or DL, life on the Oprah show in 2004. We see a clip in which he tells Oprah, back then, that the DL has nothing to do with being gay; it's all about sex. He says, bluntly, "It's about gratification, not orientation." Today, Oprah tells us that through his entire dating life and eight year marriage he was having sex with men, even in his own home while his wife slept upstairs.


Now, he tells Oprah that he is a proud, out, black, gay man. He says fear of losing his family, his church, etc, caused him to be in denial. He says that his churches taught that if you are gay then God does not love you, you are less than a man, that if you are gay you are a pedophile. He's since met other black, gay men and realized that it doesn't have to mean losing everything, though he did destroy his family. He emphasizes that the DL life is not just a black men thing--it's a men of all races thing.


J.L.'s Wife, Brenda


Recap
Brenda says they were high school sweethearts and that they were the perfect couple to everyone around them. After five years she felt that there might be another woman, but found out that J.L. was having a homosexual relationship with another man. Brenda tells Oprah, back in the studio, that she had never suspected a thing. The hardest part for her was that he betrayed her and had lied to her and didn't confess his desires, robbing her of the opportunity for them to work it out. Brenda has forgiven him, and J.L. encourages men to come out and tell the truth, and for the women to forgive them. 


Ulandsey


Recap
We see another man who, six years ago, was blacked out and had his voice distorted. He said he was juggling three men that he was having sex with--one a married man--but that he also had sex with women. He insisted he was not gay, refuses to even use the word bisexual. Today, he comes on the show to identify himself and to say that he is a gay man. He says that back then he represented guys on the down low, and how he wants to be a lightning rod to encourage men to stop living that life. He says that his family knows and loves him, but he needs to come out for the strangers and take responsibility for his role in the conversation. 


The show ends with a woman named AJ from Arizona. She saw an episode in which the message was that if your sex life is bad then your relationship is probably bad. AJ started keeping track and realized that they had almost no sex life, and ended up finding out that her big, manly husband was not only secretly gay but a sex addict. She divorced him and now is with the love of her life and is very happy and thankful for Oprah's show. Oprah closes by saying that this is why she does these shows.


Gospel Filter Reviews
I have covered homosexuality in depth before, so you can read more there. Similarly, there is more about forgiveness in other GFR's from previous posts as well. Something my husband said, while catching a piece of the show, really stuck with me. He said, "Why is the answer always divorce?" That really hit me, because it saddens me that even those who were married and in the church divorced.

First, while I already linked to the Biblical perspective, it angers me deeply--and I believe that it angers God--that there are churches teaching that homosexuality means God doesn't love you, along with other lies. God's truth is that if you are struggling with same sex attraction then Jesus, who died to reconcile you to God and free you from all sin, can forgive you and set you free as you rely on him. Jesus understands that you are suffering as you are tempted and He has mercy and is faithful and wants you to rely on the same Holy Spirit that empowered Him to resist sin. God loves people struggling with same-sex attraction, including those who have acted on that sin, even men who commit adultery with other men while married to women. The Gospel is meant to set you free into the arms of the Father who loves you and bigoted pastors need to stop preaching hateful lies in Jesus' name.

I serve in a ministry called Redemption Groups, as well as being involved in the lives of friends who love Jesus and want to know Him better, and I have walked through extremely painful situations with women, including women who had been absolutely devastated by husbands who have committed atrocious sins against them. I have never known a woman whose husband was having sex with other men, but I have seen Jesus redeem and restore marriages where he committed adultery (and I mean actual sex with other women); where she committed adultery; where he was addicted to pornography; where he had sex with prostitutes; where she was addicted to pornography; and even situations where he raped her. Any of these situations suggest that divorce would be ok, and the Bible even does say that in the event of sexual immorality, divorce can be sought (Matthew 19:9). This actually the only circumstance in which Jesus says divorce is allowed; he says in that same verse that if divorce is for any reason other than sexual immorality, and a man (or woman) remarries, then that person is committing adultery.

However, in the previous verse, Jesus says that Moses allowed people to divorce due to the hardness of their heart, but from the beginning it was not so. God's heart for marriage, as I've written about before, is that it reflect the marriage in heaven of Jesus Christ to His bride, the church. The church is filled with sinners, and various parts of scripture (such as Ezekiel 16, Hosea) show how our hearts are like adulterous whores (that's the Bible's blunt language), chasing after our idolatrous desires, other lovers that have consumed our hearts. Yet Jesus patiently loves the church, builds the church, cleanses the church, forgives the church, ministers to the church; he never divorces us. Not a single Christian who belongs to Jesus is ever lost (John 17:12), let alone the church as a whole.

For this reason, neither is divorce, even when permissible due to adultery, ever God's best. I am not condemning any of these women who divorced their husbands. I am just sad that Jesus never had the chance to bring about redemption, to change hearts, to allow full reconciliation, and to be glorified in making a marriage that should have rightfully ended one firmly rooted in Him. This makes His glory and renown great and it gives others hope. What really broke my heart is the continued message that it's all about being happy.

This is a hard truth, but marriage is not about happiness. It's about holiness. Sometimes it means you feel like you're fighting for Jesus' glory alone while your spouse couldn't care less, and that is heartbreaking. I know because there have been rough patches like that in my marriage when my husband's heart was getting harder and harder and mine was breaking. I was filled with sin, too, yet by Jesus' grace I was before Him daily, crying out to Him to break in and change my husband's heart. I understood that we were on a path toward eventual divorce if Jesus didn't act on our behalf. Praise God, He did. We still struggle because we're both sinners, but I am truthfully and honestly more in love with my husband, despite painful sin that has come into the light that we have both committed against one another, than early in our marriage when we were the happiest. Recent times have been very, very hard, but I can honestly tell you they have been filled with the most joy, even in the midst of tears and anguish.

If your marriage is hurting, fight. Fight in prayer asking Jesus to change your heart, to show you your sin, to make you a more godly spouse. Fight in prayer for your spouse, not that they'd fulfill you and stop doing the things you don't like or start doing the things you want, but that they would surrender to the Holy Spirit and be led by Jesus in humble repentance that glorifies Him. If you don't know Jesus, seek His forgiveness for your sins. That is the place to start. But fight for your marriage--I am telling you, I have seen mountains literally moved, where people who should hate one another are walking with Jesus and have a marriage that others would look at and envy. Don't look for what has to happen so you can get out--cling to the one who was eternally all-in when He committed to marrying you, Jesus Christ who loves you and your spouse deeply.

Up Tomorrow
This will be fun--the 30-year-old virgin. Bring it on!

Episode 18 - The Mom With 20 Personalities

I have to admit that I have a horrible cold and concentrating is not coming easily. I've tried to get too much done today and now my brain is mush. I'll do my best to stay sharp, though!


20 Years Ago: Truddi Chase, The Woman With 92 Personalities


Recap
We start by seeing Oprah interview Truddi (prounounced like Trudy) Chase 20 years ago, a woman who was brutally raped as a little girl as young as 2-years-old by her stepfather.  Despite intensive therapy, Truddi, who passed away earlier this year at age 75, dealt with her pain by splintering her mind into 92 distinct personalities in her head. It's very emotional seeing Oprah, in 1990, break into tears trying to explain why Truddi's mind is so broken. In a video from a special 20th anniversary interview, Oprah explains that she was just in the midst of really processing her own abuse and Truddi's story simply hit too close to home.

Oprah revisits Truddi's story at the end, and shows women who were inspired by Truddi to share about their own sexual abuse as children. One young woman, Erin, describes how she was ready to kill herself, but one day she was home and saw the show with Truddi and it gave her the courage to come out about the abuse and know she wasn't alone; a letter from one of her abusers, admitting their wrong, is what she said allowed her to forgive him.

Oprah has Truddi's daughter, Kari, on the show. She describes that it was tough having a mother with 92 personalities, but that we all have good days and bad days. She says she never met the real Truddi, because she believes the real Truddi was dead, asleep, whatever.

Kim Noble: The Mom With 20 Personalities Inside Her Head


Recap
We come back to today, and Oprah tells us, voicing over video clips, about a woman from England named Kim Noble. She looks like a normal mom, but 15 distinct personalities live in her head, from Judy, "a 15-year-old bulimic" to Ken, "a depressed gay man". Psychologists believe that she was severely traumatized as a small child and so she developed dissociative personality disorder. Patricia tends to be in charge most of the time, but each personality considers itself to be it's own person so when Kim's daughter, Aimee, turned 13, each personality gave it's own card and present.

After Aimee's birth, Kim proved she could capably raise the baby. Eventually, therapists recommended that Kim try painting as a therapeutic routine and each personality has its own methods and style. Oprah opened by showing us paintings from each of Kim's personalities, and we come into the studio with Kim.

Highlights

• Patricia is present and says things became too much so Kim is sleeping, that she just disappeared.
• There's no way for the current dominant personality to know who was dominant last; one way to tell is to see the latest painting and then that tells who was present, since each personality has its unique style.
• To communicate with each personality, the therapist sends e-mails to each personality. Kim (as Patricia) says that each personality has its own e-mail address, knows their own password, so other personalities can't read one another's e-mail but they can reply to the therapist.
• Patricia says she feels completely normal when she's dominant; each alter personality feels totally normal when they are dominant.

Aimee, Kim's Daughter

Recap

Oprah talks to Aimee, Kim's 13-year-old daughter. Aimee says she has known her whole life that her mother is different in this way. She considers the main personality, Patricia, to be her mother. Later, during the part with Dawn (read below), Oprah asks if Aimee is happy and ok; Aimee says that she is. She wouldn't be if she were taken away from her mother. She'd rather go through the difficulties of her mom's disorder than be taken away.

The Personalities Come Out

• Bonny, a mother figure, who originally was dominant, has gone into seclusion. When Aimee was young, the constant threat of her being taken away by social services caused Bonny to leave and go into hiding. 
• Then, Ken comes out. He's a 21 year old gay man who doesn't acknowledge the other personalities. He thinks Aimee is one of his friend's daughters. When Ken looks in the mirror he sees a gay man, not Kim's body.
• Salome is devoutly Catholic and is angry, agitated, and speaks of the good Catholic woman who was murdered and has an evil daughter.
• Dawn thinks it's 1997, that Sky was her baby and social services took away. She doesn't think Aimee, sitting next to her, is her daughter. Aimee is a friend's daughter. This causes Aimee to cry, and Dawn asks if she ever met Sky, because she (Aimee) would have loved her (Sky). Oprah cuts to present, asks Aimee why she was crying, and she begins crying again and explains that she felt rejected.
• Ria Pratt, 12 years old, has painted pictures of ominous things happening; Ria says bad things happen and children get hurt and they're not happy. People don't believe the bad things happen, and the adults in the pictures are smiling. They think the bad things happening are funny. Ria says it's her fault, because she took the sweet.
• Patricia, in the studio with Oprah, says she doesn't have the memories and couldn't cope it she did. Oprah asks who has the memories and Patricia says Ria does.

Oprah asks a clinical psychologist, Dr. Mary Sue Moore, what she sees watching the tape of Ria. Dr. Moore explains that she sees something extremely traumatic happened to Kim, and so the personality Ria developed to capture the memory and protect the rest of the person from ever having to know what happened. This keeps the rest of the person safe.  

One encouraging moment at the end of the show is finding out that Erin, the woman mentioned earlier in the Truddi Chase recap, just had a law in Illinois passed. It's called Erin's Law, and it requires education so that children can recognize abuse, know how to be protected from it, and hopefully avoid it.

Gospel Filter Review
This is an extremely painful episode. I'm also praying, praying, praying like crazy because what I feel led by Jesus to write about is yet another touchy and controversial topic. It is also intensely personal and I pray that, similar to how these women sharing their stories encouraged others to share theirs, me sharing mine will point people to the Savior who has cleansed me and who is continually healing me.

First, I want to say that I love the idea of Erin's Law.  As I shared briefly in this post, in which I spoke about forgiveness (and I encourage you to read it, since forgiveness was a small theme in this episode)  I was sexually abused by my biological father starting as early as possibly only a few days old. It went on until I was nearly 5, and I never said anything because I had absolutely no way of knowing that it wasn't normal. He said it was, he was my daddy, and I trusted him. A "good touch, bad touch" talk at my preschool was what alerted me to something being wrong, and I shared it with my mom who quickly left him and reported it to the police.

Tragically, because I was so young and so confused, the defense lawyer was able to convince the judge that my mom had put lies in my head and manufactured the abuse. I was too confused--what normal daddy doesn't help his daughter get clean in the bath? How come that was ok but his methods of what he said helped me be clean wasn't ok? Plus, I was far too young to remember details like days of the week, time of day, even seasons, and the constant questioning from so many sources--lawyers, psychiatrists, my mom, the police, etc, made it difficult to keep the facts all straight in my head. My biological father was let free, given the same visitation rights as a "normal" divorced father, and eventually began abusing me again, this time using threats to keep me silent since by then I knew it was wrong. I am grateful that other children might have the chance to learn early on what abuse is--it's not just being offered candy by a stranger who abducts you--so they can be better protected.

There were many, many factors in why I stayed silent. I was also sexually abused in four other instances, each by separate men. I can't remember exactly why I didn't speak up about them, but I do know that there was a stigma attached to the abuse, both by society and by what I heard in my head. Everyone, from my mom to the psychiatrist to well-meaning family members and friends' parents, told me that my father was a sick, sick man, a pedophile who saw little girls, even his own daughter, as a grown woman whom it was ok to have a sexual relationship with. He was sick and wrong, and it wasn't my fault. I see now how this is something to be very careful with, because telling me it wasn't my fault also told me that I should be ok, as though if I brought it on myself it would be fine to suffer, but since I was totally innocent then I shouldn't be upset or hurt.

My story includes hearing, very clearly in my head, that I was strong. I remember once, in the middle of being abused, coming up with my means of enduring. I had seen other girls who were a complete mess, and I knew that since my father was so "sick" that he'd be doing this to someone else if I weren't there. I can still hear the thought, some 20-odd years later, "Some other little girl's life would be ruined if he hurts her, but I'm strong and I'll be fine so I'm glad that, if this has to happen to someone, that it's happening to me."

I thought that I came up with this, that I figured it out. For over two decades I believed this, and when I became a Christian at 16 I saw the many, many horrible things from my past as things God brought into my life, to show how strong He'd made me when I endured well, so that way He could use me to encourage others who'd had horrible things happen to them.

I now know this was a lie, told to me by a very real enemy.

 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.
              Ephesians 6:12

There are many other verses, and I encourage you to read this book and to listen to this lecture series (four lectures, about an hour each) for deeper truth about these matters. I cannot do them justice in one blog post. I will say this--God is not a God who causes bad things to happen so He can be glorified. He does not always choose to stop them, but I believe God gave me a clear vision of what was really happening to me as I lay in that bed so many times as a little girl. I clearly see my Heavenly Father, my sweet Jesus, the Holy Spirit, weeping over what was happening to me, present with me, while demonic forces--evil spirits, unclean spirits, Satan's henchmen, whatever you will call them--were whispering both in my ear and to my earthly father as he was abusing me.

To be clear, my earthly father is absolutely still responsible for his sin. Just because the enemy enticed him doesn't make him innocent. The sin in his heart wanted to do the evil that the demonic presence urged him to carry out. I do not know for certain, but I wouldn't be surprised to know that he was abused as a little boy and the same evil, lying demonic spirits probably enticed his abuser as well.

Additionally, though I was innocent and absolutely did not deserve what was done to me, for many, many years I listened to the lying enemy who told me I was strong and that God was honored when I didn't seek Him but instead tried to prove how strong He'd made me. I believed the lies that God was the ultimate abuser who brought suffering into my life. I believed the lies that victims are bad and pathetic and that if I allowed myself to feel hurt over my abuse then I was pathetic and bad. I believed that God is not a good, loving Father whom I can trust.

Yes, what happened to me was absolutely evil. But I also had sin in my heart that wanted desperately to believe these lies, and even found comfort in them. It's been the sweet grace of my loving Father to reveal the truth of His character, and as I see the truth of His character revealed to me, particularly through His inerrant Words in the Bible, I have been able to repent of believing the lies and, in Jesus Christ's name, rebuke the liar.

I believe that sexual abuse, particularly of children, has an inherent demonic link. I believe that the demonic presences that both caused me to be abused and that lied to me about how to respond are demons who have hounded both sides of my family (my mother and my biological father) for generations and generations. The cycles of abuse and the lies about how to respond didn't begin with me. I also believe that my own confused sexuality, not understanding how sex can be a beautiful gift from God meant only for my husband, instead confused about themes of it being dirty and wrong and only exciting when there was some illicit, ungodly aspect attached to it, for the last two decades has been part of the continued demonic presence and lies. I have repented of believing those lies and continue to cling to the Holy Spirit to be the one to teach me the truth, to help me believe it, but I am not so naïve as to think that it's only my own sinful heart that I am dealing with.

Likewise, I believe that these women with fractured personalities aren't simply dealing with flesh and blood--there is a clear demonic presence that I could sense in my spirit through the TV screen. These women--Truddi and Kim-- have been tortured not just by human oppressors but by dark spiritual forces thirsty for their death. The fact that neither Truddi nor Kim existed anymore once the personalities takes over is a sign that the enemy found victory in torturing them until they committed psychological suicide. I cannot say for certain, but I wonder if these women's personalities aren't multiple demons who possess them and take over at different times. Scripture tells us Mary Magdalene had seven demons, so this isn't unprecedented.

We are not fighting merely against the physical world. But here is the truth, the good news. Just as the rest of Ephesians 6 goes on to say, we are not fighting alone. God fights for us. For the non-Christian, it begins with repenting of sin and receiving Jesus' free gift of salvation through His innocent blood shed on the cross and His resurrection which conquered Satan, sin, and death. Jesus's death conquered Satan and frees you from slavery, and if you belong to Him then He helps you (Hebrews 2:14-18). In the meantime, Satan has influence over this world and in spite of his imminent defeat, he is clawing for every bit of death he can bring. The Christian gets to have joy in knowing that God fights for us. The Holy Spirit will show us if we have left our house in a state of insecurity, and He will not only reveal the lies, but He'll help us repent, He'll kick the enemy out, and He will continue to keep our doors and windows shut and locked as we rely on Him.

There was a great sermon about this on Sunday, and once it's available online this upcoming Sunday I will post it, so stay tuned. In the meantime, pray with me. First, pray that God would reveal His truth to you. Pray for a hunger for His Word, so that He can use it to shed light on the darkness. Pray that the Holy Spirit would put in you the desire to repent and get rid of the darkness; lies bring us a sick and twisted comfort. There is a reason we believe them. Pray that Jesus would rebuke the enemy from influencing you (Satan cannot indwell a believer, since we are sealed with the Holy Spirit, but that doesn't stop him from whispering in our ear. And, lastly, pray for Kim and her daughter. Pray that Jesus Christ would come into her life, save her, and set her free from the demonic bondage that is keeping her in chains. And, if you are a Christian, don't take this lightly. You are in a war. You must put on your armor, you must fight, and you must continually cling to the one who goes before you and fights for you.

Up Tomorrow
Why She Sued Her Husband For $12 Million And Won

Episode 12 - Jenny McCarthy: After the Big Break Up Plus Will Author Terry McMillan Forgive Her Gay Ex-husband?

Jenny McCarthy 

Recap
Jenny and Oprah dive into the break-up with Jim Carrey. She says that the famous tweet, in which Jim announced their ended relationship to the world, was one she knew about and that they decided together to put out there. They have an interesting conversation about how, in essence, when there is a break-up it's easy to blame the other person but you need to own how usually it's equally your fault. Oprah asks Jenny if she thought it was going to be forever, and this turns into telling the "young girls listening" to keep their stuff (Jenny feels her "higher self" knew it wasn't forever because she never sold her house when she moved in with Jim) and to "make your own money." This is met with loud cheers and applause from the audience. Believe you me, I'ma be touching on that in the GFR (Gospel Filter Review) at the end!!

After the break, Jenny tells us that she knew it was over when it wasn't fun anymore. She felt that when it was over she felt that she needed to learn from the relationship but not stay in it because the lessons were there to glean but the relationship was over. She says she felt she needed a lover to have love in her life, but came out realizing that she is the love of her life. She and Oprah then discuss the fact that no one can complete you and only you can complete yourself; Jenny says she is the full sundae and anyone else in her life is whipped cream.

Pause!!
Later, Jenny and Oprah discuss how Jenny ended up posing for Playboy. She tells this comical story about some... sensitive bits of hers and how she was treated standing there naked. Everyone was rolling and laughing and she's quite the story teller. But all I could think about was how sad that this woman created in God's image, so precious in his sight, is making light of being literally naked and judged and criticized, like it's just pure hilarity. So sad. And it was heartbreaking to hear her say that her heavily Catholic mother told her that after all of the work Jenny has done for raising awareness about autism (her son is autistic and she's been a force for the cause) that it's no big deal that she showed her bare butt. I pray that Jenny would know that she is precious to God, that it disgusts Him that anyone (but men especially) would reduce her to the sum of her naked body parts, and while He hates the sin of her willfully putting her naked body out there He loves her and beckons her to Himself much as He did with promiscuous woman after promiscuous woman in the Bible (Rahab, Mary, and the woman at the well to name a few).  I pray that Jenny would know God's love for her as a perfect Father; she did mention no longer wanting to be a sex object but taking care of her body because she enjoys working out and feeling good and enjoys pretty clothes, which is healthier than trying to be overly sexed, but I still pray that she'd know full redemption of being beautiful in God's sight.

Gospel Filter Review
There are so many directions I could go, but the biggest thing that stands out to me is the concept of marriage, dating, and what the purpose of relationships is. I touched on a piece of this in yesterday's GFR when I wrote about the roles of men and women in a marriage. There is much to redeem in Jenny's view of relationships, as she holds the world's (and by world, I mean the things humanity comes up with that has nothing to do with God's opinion) opinion that relationships are about us. See, the world teaches that you need to find someone who makes you happy, and you need to stay in the relationship as long as you are happy (remember how Jenny had to get out when it wasn't fun anymore?), and then the purpose of the relationship after you break up was to teach you what you need that's better in your next relationship.

This is absolutely not God's opinion. The Bible teaches that romantic relationships are meant to lead to marriage; you don't find dating in the Bible. Marriage between a husband and wife is ordained by God to represent Christ's marriage to His bride, the church, in heaven (Revelation 19:6-9). That marriage will last in eternity and God's intent for earthly marriage is that it will last until death. Relationships in general and marriage ultimately were never meant to be something that is all about filling a void in ourselves. Jesus is meant to be our first love as members of His church body, His bride (Revelation 2:4), and marriage is meant to glorify Him. But marriage is really, really hard. Anytime you take two sinners, two humans who natural proclivity is to seek out their own desires, and you put them together, then there will be very difficult times (James 4:1&2).

But you don't get to quit when it's not fun. That's when you pray, ask the Holy Spirit to show you your own sin, and you repent to your spouse. You also pray for your spouse, asking the Holy Spirit to lead and guide them and show them their sin; at the same time, you love them and esteem them and honor and respect them whether they're changing the way you would hope or not. There are times when God will lead you to lovingly talk to your spouse about something on their part that's bothering you. It should be bathed in prayer, loving, gentle, and respectful all while being honest. God's kindness is meant to lead us to repentance (Romans 2:4), and carrying around a holy stick and whacking your spouse over the head, no matter how much you prayed about it, is never going to soften their heart.

The truth is, all sin is committed first and foremost against God (Psalm 51:4). Our hearts should always grieve the offense against God far more than any offense against us. We can ask Jesus to help us forgive our spouse, and pray that they lean on Jesus to forgive us when we sin. As the church, our wedding dress is soiled and dirty. We are sinners and we constantly abandon Jesus, commit adultery by lusting (and acting out on that lust) after idols, hating Him and loving ourselves. Yet Jesus never gives up on us, never asks God for a divine divorce. He continually gives Himself, pursues us, and desires our repentance and full restoration to Himself because we are His precious bride and he loves us in spite of us. The Book of Hosea is both a heartbreaking and beautiful picture of God's passionate pursuit of His bride, the church, no matter how much she plays the harlot and chooses the very thing that destroys her and makes her miserable and broken.

So we can ask Jesus to make us like Himself, to fill us with the same Holy Spirit that empowered Him to endure death on the cross for our sin, so that we can love our spouse and reflect to them the powerful grace that Jesus gives us. And, as always, we cannot give grace we haven't received, so we must daily ask Jesus to show us our sin, to humble us, asking Him for the sweet, good, and precious gifts of conviction and repentance, so that we can be first and foremost worshipers of God and not hunters of sin and gatherers of evidence against the spouse that God has called us to live our lives with. We need to be filled with Jesus, overflowing Jesus to the people around us, because if we think we are our own greatest gift then life will not only be filled with rottenness, but our eternity will be spent paying the price for our sins and agonizing over the life we wasted that could have been lived for Jesus, now separate from Him for eternity.

Terry McMillan

Recap
Terry, a very successful author whose movies were blockbusters, met a Jamaican man named who was much younger (23 years younger) and after what was a whirlwind sexual romance that turned into him moving in three years later they married. He was the inspiration for the book (and movie) How Stella Got Her Groove Back After six years of marriage he told her that he was gay. They had a very public, angry war of words. Terry accused him of only being after her money, while he maintained that he only wanted money after she publicly attacked his character. While he initially told her he never acted on the feelings, he admitted on a previous Oprah show in 2005, with Terry when they were still "at war", that he felt he had to find out if his curiosity was actual homosexuality and he did engage in sexual intercourse while he was still married to Terry. We find that she was angry both that he was gay and that he was cheating on her. After that show she sued him for $40 million for emotional distress and ruining her reputation; she says later she sued because she wanted to puncture the lies that were told about her. He had no money so that wasn't the point. For the record, despite signing a pre-nup he sued for spousal support, but was only awarded $26,000 after a court battle.

Now, they're both here again. Terry says she was very angry that her life was turned to a public circus, and that she had come on Oprah's show then to show how much pain living a double life causes. Terry says that she realizes that she had owned the anger such that it took over and nothing else (beauty, etc) could get in. She realized that she was sabotaging her happiness and her joy and it had nothing to do with the other person; the anger and bitterness was an emotional termite that was eating her inside out.

Jonathan now describes the regret for how things went and how after that he tries now to be a better person, that he's learned from the process. He says that he really did love her, but that once he realized he was gay (he was in deep denial) things turned. Both he and Terry say that they both wish they wouldn't have sued one another and that they wouldn't have allowed the anger to control them. Jonathan says that he's finally now able to get back to happy... and, voila!, we find out that Terry McMillan's latest book is called Getting to Happy. Terry says she wrote the book because she realized that she had to let it all go, and that's how she got to get back to happy. She also clarifies that her anger wasn't that Jonathan was gay or that she has a problem with gay people; she was angry that she was lied to and betrayed.

Finally, Terry talks about how she wanted to hate Jonathan forever, because she felt that the more she hated him the more he would suffer. Oprah describes once, many years ago, holding this belief and then seeing the woman she was so angry at on Michigan Avenue, laughing and headed into a Tiffany Store. She realized that she was all in angry knots but the person she was angry with was fine. They end by Terry saying she forgave Jonathan, that she let it all go and that was forgiveness.

Gospel Filter Review
The theme of forgiveness is what hit me from this segment. Terry spoke much about forgiveness, how she "let it all go". That is the worldly definition of forgiveness. People think that if they let go then that will help them not be angry, but this typically leaves them somewhere between the common grace of God that does help root out bitterness and living in pure denial because we selfishly just want to feel better. Forgiveness is trusting God that He will bring justice to the sin committed against you. The person will either pay for their sin eternally in hell, or they'll receive the grace and joy of Jesus receiving punishment for their sin on the cross. Forgiveness is not, however, just "letting go", forgetting, saying, "It's ok now". It's not.

This is very personal but relevant. I was sexually abused by my biological father from possibly as early as a few days old until I was age 9, with a short break for two years, from ages 5-7, due to complicated circumstances in which he was under suspicion from the authorities and my parents (my mom and stepdad). I haven't seen him since I was at his trial when I was 11 and he was sentenced to 5 years (another long, tragic story of the failure of our justice system) in prison. He never admitted guilt. He has never tried to find me, to my knowledge, and I have never sought him out, either. My younger brother saw him once a few years ago, and still he maintained that he never touched me and I made it all up. I have forgiven him, and have peace that, though I'm still dealing with the fallout of such egregious sin, my heavenly Father is righteous and just and He will bring justice.

Some well intending Christians have asked me why I don't hunt him down, tell him all about how Jesus has changed me and how he needs Jesus, too. They say that it can't be real forgiveness if I intentionally keep my distance from him and don't tell him about Jesus. They are absolutely wrong and if I were to reply, "Get behind me, Satan!" I don't think God would disagree. Forgiveness is not forgetting. I cannot forget what was done to me, the betrayal and damage brought to my innocent young self (I was a sinner, but did not deserve what happened to me). I cannot pretend it never happened and it is absolutely not ok that he harmed me that way. And, though I have forgiven, sometimes I must forgive again because I remember something new, or realize something I never saw before about the depth of the betrayal, or it just hits me again. I'll be 18 weeks pregnant tomorrow, with my first baby, and the desire to love and protect my sweet little MiniMoose shows me anew how wrong and evil what my biological father did to me really was.

Save for the miracle of Jesus saving the man and him seeking my forgiveness, you'll never see me on Oprah's stage holding his hand and saying it's all ok now; honestly, even if he received Jesus and truly repented, that still may not happen. Forgiveness for egregious sins (as in, abuse, torture, physical harm, etc; not someone gossiped about you one time, though that's sin, too, but the more deeply harmful sins) does not mean you have to trust the person. Even if my biological father became so on fire for Jesus that thousands of people met Jesus and lit up with the flames of the Holy Spirit, I would likely never be alone in a room with him, nor would he ever, ever be alone with any of my children unless my husband and I were both keeping vigilant watch.  This wouldn't preclude relationship, but it would protect me and my children from someone who was abusive and harmful and cannot be trusted. And if he never does receive Jesus, though I do pray for him that he will, then I will never see the man whom God used to help give me life and that is ok.

I'll end with this--tragically, my biological father was accused once before me of sexually abusing a son of his. His mother knew about it, but he swore he didn't do it and even though she knew in her heart that he did, she said she was a Christian and she must forgive him. She had the unbiblical perspective that forgiveness is forgetting, so she never said a word when he met and married my mother. Never did she warn my mother, and so my mother had no reason to ever suspect that the first almost 5 years of my life were filled with horrible abuse against my body, not to mention the emotional manipulation (abuse) and mental/psychological abuse of the lies that he told to keep me believing that it was normal and ok and something everyone does and no one talks about. Apart from the sexual harm, the most painful part for me as a child was trying to understand why I couldn't love my daddy anymore and being so convinced by him that what he did was right that I couldn't understand why the bad touching was wrong, let alone understanding the difference between what was ok, or "good" touch, and what wasn't. Granted, had my grandmother told my mom then I may never have been born, so I know that God uses even sin for good because I know it's no mistake that I exist. But the choice to hold the world's definition of forgiveness was a sin on my grandmother's part that brought great harm into my life and I cannot imagine the guilt she must have suffered when the truth came into the light; not only that, but as a result she lost all contact with my brother and I, which I am certain compounded her suffering.

Choose the Bible. Don't let the world tell you what to believe. Sin is real and has real consequences, even something so seemingly small as "forgive and forget". Align your heart and beliefs with what God says. Ask Him what is true, to make you believe it, and to give you the wisdom and strength and courage to endure in believing it and living it out. I pray that Terry McMillan and her ex-husband both meet Jesus and can experience true forgiveness and reconciliation.

For a great resource on what forgiveness is and is not, please see this sermon clip from Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church.

Up Tomorrow
The Mom Who Fathered Her Own Children Plus: the Emmy Award Winning Cast of Modern Family