Episode 20 - The 30-Year-Old Virgins

Today's episode is about two women who are 30-year-old virgins. However, these two women are virgins not because they want to be, but because they basically are terrified of relationships and shut men out.

Shayla & Carmen

Recap
A self-confessed control freak, 30-year-old Shayla says she wrote in because basically she wants to be able to let go and let a man in, but she doesn't know how. Her mom died of cancer at age 13, and, as a teen, she saw women pursue her recently widowed father for sex and she swore that would never be her.

Carmen, at 31, says she stays in bed for as long as she can. She's never been intimate with any man in any way. She's not comfortable in her own skin, thinks her body is gross, and she describes it as a fat suit she can't get off. She's 250 pounds and tries to be positive but then she looks in the mirror and can't get past it. She would rather be alone than have a man look at her in the body she's in now and be found attractive.

In the studio, Oprah points out that for neither woman does it have anything to do with sex. Both women were sent to meet with Dr. Laura Berman, a sex therapist. Dr. Berman says that sex is never just about sex, that these women portray the extreme end of issues that all women struggle with--body image, fear of a broken heart, self-esteem, etc. She does note that choosing to be a virgin for religious or moral issues is not wrong, that being a virgin is not wrong, but the issue is if being a virgin is an issue for you, that you don't want to be.

We learn about Shayla that her mother told her everything, but she never told Shayla she had cancer, so her mom's death caught her completely off guard. Then, within 3-4 months, the other women came in and wanted sex, and despite a 20 year marriage he was quick to sleep with them, to "get his rocks off". He was, in the words of Dr. Laura, he told her way too much at way too young of an age. He said he just wanted sex, but told Shayla to never be like those women. Shayla does note that her way of being in control was to shut off, whereas she could have gone the way of promiscuity.

With Carmen, we learn that she wants a relationship. A man pursued her, but she felt like he was just playing a joke on the fat girl, so despite things going well, she blew him off. She admits that the most terrifying idea is that she would be naked before a guy and he'd see her "jiggly parts" and scream out that she's gross and run away. We learn that she has polycystic ovarian syndrome, which led to her rapid weight gain 10 years ago, but after the struggle to get diagnosed, a bad reaction to a medication just caused her to give up.

Later there's talk about masturbation. The message is that it's healthy and normal and it's good to touch yourself, to learn what you like and what gives you pleasure, so that you can be with a man and he can know what you like. The idea is that the woman should love herself, enjoy herself, give herself pleasure, and that would allow her to be ok receiving it from someone else. Shayla felt that if you're doing something sexual to yourself, shouldn't someone else be there? Additionally, Shayla carried the idea that you can't be a "good girl" and be sexual.

Dr. Laura's homework was for Carmen to meet with specialists who would help her with her PCOS, a nutritionist, and a psychiatrist to evaluate for depression. Additionally, after a make-over and stylist consult, she's to set up a date with the man she blew off, no excuses. For Shayla, she was to write a letter to each of her parents (both of whom are now deceased), telling them exactly how she feels, and then to read Dr. Laura's book on sex and masturbate at least one time before they met again. Additionally, Dr. Laura would work with Shayla's girlfriends to have them set up a fun night out and Shayla has to just go out, let go of control, and have a good time despite not knowing what the plan is.

Both girls complete their homework, and the outcome for Shayla is having fun meeting a guy who ends up becoming a good friend, but she lets go and has fun. Also, she finds her letter writing exercise very difficult but, when she does it, she finds it freeing that she can process the fact that the people most important to her are gone and she can move on. Carmen meets with some eligible men who want to meet her and she enjoys meeting them and has gone on a second date and even arranged a date for an upcoming day, which for her is huge.

We end with the message from Dr. Laura Berman that women can have everything you want, that you don't need anyone else to help you find it. In the end, no one else can affect how you see yourself. You must create the love in your life that you want by looking to yourself.

Gospel Filter Review

This might not be popular, but let's just get to it. This episode was filled with lies about sex and a woman's worth. I'll break this down into two sections.

Sex & Masturbation
As I've stated emphatically throughout this blog, the goal is always that women know Jesus. I'm not about to tell non-Christians to follow Biblical guidelines on sex, expecting that to save them. That said, I know that my own sexually confused past, including habits developed before I was a Christian, haven painful sin patterns to dig into and have brought destructive effects into my marriage. It's a fine line to walk--morality without Jesus is just as destructive as the complete lack thereof. Additionally, many Christian women are dealing with issues relating to sex and masturbation, but similar to Shayla, there is a mess of information and messages from every angle that confuses the issue, and many Christian women have the same unhealthy sexual attitudes that the world does but in the church it's kept in the dark.

The Bible says sex is for marriage. The entire book of Song of Solomon is a celebration of the joy of God's gift of free, frequent sex between a husband and a wife. I strongly, STRONGLY urge married couples (and single people seeking God's heart on saving sex for their spouse) to watch this sermon series on said book; it's called The Peasant Princess and it is from Pastor Mark Driscoll (I am a member where he preaches at Mars Hill Church's Ballard campus in Seattle). There are great guidelines for why God created sex, why it is only for marriage, and why God demands sexual purity and holiness. These topics are done far more justice than I can in one blog post!

Regarding masturbation, the Bible does not explicitly forbid it. However, the Bible consistently urges people toward sexual purity. This is a very blunt chapter on masturbation from a book called Porn Again Christian, also by Mark Driscoll, that answers many, many questions. He does include these questions that I think are very helpful Biblical guidelines.

Edit: Thanks to my husband's and my good friend Josh for catching something that I missed! I forgot to say this, but want to make emphatically that,while the Biblical principles apply to both men and women, Porn Again Christian was written to men. The tone and the explicit nature are meant for men, and women are encouraged to walk through and process these issues together with their husband. If you are a single woman, please proceed with much prayer and extreme caution. I would actually exhort you to focus on these questions and, if you do choose to read the chapter, particularly to skip the FAQ type questions at the end.

• Question #1 –
  Can you masturbate without lusting (Job 31:1)?
• Question #2 – 
  Can you masturbate in a way that builds oneness with your spouse, pulling you together more intimately through the act (Gen. 2:24)?
• Question #3 – 
  Can you masturbate without experiencing shame (Gen. 2:24)?
• Question #4 – 
  Can you masturbate with a clear conscience (Titus 1:15)?
• Question #5 – 
  Can you masturbate without capitulating to the cravings of your sinful desires and thoughts (Eph. 2:3)?

The biggest issue, as always, is the heart. Why are you doing what you're doing? We just reject the idea from Dr. Laura Berman that you must pleasure yourself, that sex is all about what you like, and only then can you let someone else give you pleasure. That has no Biblical basis. Sex is for a man and a wife to find what pleasures one another, what they enjoy together. How wonderful to let your spouse explore your body and discover what you enjoy! How much more intimate and unifying is that than directing him around and commanding him? 

Your Worth As A Woman

This segues into the second point. The idea that you can only let someone else love you if you love yourself first is a lie. I get that many women would read the above paragraph, about exploring together, and know that they would never be comfortable with a man exploring their body, even their spouse. This requires a vulnerability that many women simply cannot conjure up on their own. And praise God for that!

The Bible says that God made you, formed you, thinks you're wonderful as he created you (Psalm 139). He loves you so much that He bought you at the price of crucifying His Son, Jesus Christ, on the cross so you could be reconciled back into relationship with Him as His daughter (I Corinthians 6:20, Colossians 1:22). Your worth comes from being loved by Jesus. You cannot find love for yourself that will make others love you. It's true that extremely insecure people make others uncomfortable, but people whose security is in their own self-worth also tend to make people uncomfortable because it comes off as proud and arrogant. That's what self-esteem is--pride. The Bible calls pride a sin. 

What isn't off-putting is someone who is so secure in how much they are loved and adored by their heavenly Father, secure in their identity as someone who belongs to Jesus and is filled with the Holy Spirit, that they can be confidently selfless in loving others in an authentic way. With regards to sex, when two sinners repent of selfishness (including the selfishness and pride of insecurity and telling God that His creation isn't good enough, that how He made you is gross and) then they can freely worship Jesus and enjoy one another's bodies in a way that brings a pleasure far greater than simply using their spouse to achieve orgasm. 

Women, you can only know what true love is when you know that God first loved you while you were still sinning against Him, hating Him (Romans 5:6, I John 4:19). If you aren't a Christian, Jesus loves you right now and wants to give you His free gift of salvation. If you are a Christian, pray that the Holy Spirit would move in your heart to believe the truth that God loves you and that He would reveal Himself to you and help you believe that you are secure in Him. Pray that women like Oprah and Dr. Laura would know this truth, and that the women who watch Oprah wouldn't believe the lies about sex and their worth, but would discover the truth!

Up Monday
I don't know! It's not on my TiVo guide and it doesn't say on her website! Sorry!