Today is part 2 of 2 in Oprah and Tyler Perry's episode about male survivors of sexual abuse coming forward. The recap and Gospel Filter Review of part 1 can be read here. The 200 men have wives, mothers, and partners backstage and much of today's episode will focus on the impact of sexual abuse on relationships and how to move forward.
The Response
Oprah starts by telling us about the response to last week's part 1, and we hear many callers leaving voicemails, in tears, about how touched they were by the courage of the men to come forward and the anger and heartbreak they as viewers were reeling in as a result.
Relationship Impact
Oprah tells us that sexual abuse plants seeds of inferiority and worthlessness, and that adversely affects relationships, particularly intimate ones. We hear clips of men describing their struggles in relationships, from one man saying he hasn't been intimate with his wife in years to another saying he's incredibly promiscuous with women. Other men say they know how to have sex but have never been truly intimate, never giving their heart. Of the 200 men, 80% (that's 160 of them) said in poll that they struggle with intimacy.
The wife of John, the man who said they hadn't been intimate in years, tells us it's been 8 years and the marriage is deteriorating. Tyler Perry asks if it's sex or intimacy, and she says both. The wife says that when she was trying to pursue him, to find out what was going on, she says she was completely shut down and shut out. The wife breaks into tears explaining that when her husband finally admitted the abuse to her a year and a half ago he would allow no questions, nothing, and she feels like he hates and resents her. Tyler says it's not her fault, but the wife says that her husband won't get help and she wants to help him. Oprah explains that him being here is a start and reintroduces us to Dr. Howard Fradkin.
Dr. Howard Fradkin
Again, Dr. Fradkin specializes in counseling male survivors of sexual abuse. He says that John's reaction is very common, that no one wants to talk, share, or trust. Oprah reiterates that sexual abuse changes the way you view yourself, and you act on those views. Dr. Fradkin says he tells men that "recovery is about being disloyal to dysfunction and loyal to functionality." Men have to identify the dysfunctional messages, such as I'm worthless or incapable of being loved, and to refuse to listen to them and learn functional messages and functional behaviors that lead to functional relationships.
Suicide
After a break, we see clips of men talking about wanting to commit suicide. One man says that death--the inability to see, hear, smell--was the only promise of peace that he could see. The polled men say that 81% of them have contemplated suicide and 33% have actually attempted it. Dr. Fradkin says those statistics are horrifying but also very common. Oprah asks why suicide, and Dr. Fradkin says it's simply so devastating, that for men they feel like their manhood, their spirituality, and their ability to connect in a safe way was taken. They feel no safety in the world and suicide seems like the only safe alternative.
Sexual Confusion
Many sexually abused men struggle with sexual confusion, wondering if they are gay or not. Dr. Fradkin says, first and foremost, that being abused is not having sex. A sexual abuse victim is being perpetrated by someone, not having sex with them. Dr. Fradkin says that sexual abuse does not cause anyone to become gay, that most of the time sexuality is determined by age 4 or 5 and most sexual abuse happens after that, once someone's sexuality is already determined. Oprah says there is a myth that sexual abuse can cause you to become gay, and Dr. Fradkin says that sexual orientation has nothing to do with abuse. Oprah is very intrigued by the point that Dr. Fradkin makes that a boy who is being abused by a man, and who is a homosexual, can struggle with feeling like the abuser saw his secret inside of him and brought it out.
Ray
Something that moved me to tears was Oprah telling us that the last man in a montage of clips, sharing about the effects of their abuse, is a man named Ray who has worked on her show for 15 years. He's helped produce many shows about child sexual abuse for the Oprah show over the years, and he decided it was time for him to come forward and share about his own abuse. He went into Oprah's office to tell her in person because he didn't want her to find out on TV. Oprah asks him why now, and he says that he couldn't ask those men to talk about their abuse and he not talk about his. He says that you get abused by your abuser and then you get abused again by the aftermath of the abuse; Oprah says it was profound and poignant when Ray told her last night that he'd spent his life trying to cope and now he's ready to heal. Healing, he says, is when you feel the feelings and are honest about what it has done to you, and mourning that.
Oprah talks about how she was sexually promiscuous as a teenager, thinking that she was just "fast" the way they said she was. She didn't connect her promiscuity to her abuse until she was doing a show later on the topic, and Ray explains that his way of coping has been to be confident, to be great at everything he does, because he was trying to prove to himself that he really was worthy. Dr. Fradkin says that every tear shed is one that gives worth back to the survivor.
Not Killed
Many abuse survivors say that they feel as though they were killed as a child, like the little boy they were died. Tyler Perry expressed this very clearly in his original show with Oprah about his own sexual abuse. Dr. Fradkin says that the little boy didn't die, and that the men now are fighting to protect that little boy inside, essentially giving him the life he deserves. He says it's important to let that little boy say his truth, to give him a chance to heal.
A Child Molester's Perspective
Last year, Oprah sat down with four child molesters, and she shows a segment from that show. Oprah asks one man if he loved the little girl he abused, and he says yes. She asks then if he's thought about how he affected her, and the man says he spent a lot of time thinking about it, and that he thinks he kills who she could have been. He says he basically murdered a person.
Moving Forward
One man, Daniel, tells Oprah that seeing that moment from that show impacted him deeply, because he didn't tell his parents for nearly 30 years. Realizing that he feels like his abuser killed who he could have been makes him wonder if he could have been a different father, a different husband, a different person. Oprah says that her favorite definition of forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different. She says you have to mourn what has happened but not to stay there.
Dr. Fradkin says you must fully mourn what happened, but you can't move forward until you have fully mourned and most people need professional help to do this. He points out that the abuser said he loved the little girl he abused, but that's never love, yet the abused person rarely can fully get this through the mess of confusion that is imposed on them as they are being abused. Dr. Fradkin says that you must learn tools and techniques to go back and rescue the abused boy, and then to bring him back to the present to have one life together with the man who lives now.
The Abused Becomes The Abuser?
One man says that one of the most hurtful myths is that if a boy is abused then he'll grow up to become an abuser. This is the reason, he says, so many boys never say anything, because they don't want anyone to think they'll grow up to become "one of them." Dr. Fradkin says that it is a myth, and that it's a very small minority of men who go on to become molesters. He explains that many men who are perpetrators were abused themselves, but that many men who were abused abhor that kind of violence and would never do that to anyone. Dr. Fradkin concurs that many men don't come forward because they fear the stigma.
One key point he makes is that many abused men don't like to be around children because they fear any situation that makes them uncomfortable. Something so simple as changing a diaper can cause a flashback or bring up the horrible feelings and cause a man to recoil from children. This can affect many abused men who become fathers.
Getting Help
Dr. Fradkin says it's important to get help and Oprah asks where. Dr. Fradkin says you have to find a therapist; if there's no therapist in your area, then look online and find a community where you can find other survivors for support. Oprah says she's been thinking about prison and how many men are probably there because they were abused and turned to rage and violence.
Oprah's site has resources; you can see them here:
http://www.oprah.com/packages/sexual-abuse-resource-center.html
Donna & Mark
Eight years ago, a man Mark came out on Oprah's show talked about being abused by his priest. A woman named Donna was watching the show and her husband Ray saw the priest's blurred out photo and Ray whispered, "I'd know that face anywhere." That was the day she found out that same priest had sexually abused her husband. For their 24 year marriage her husband was distant and they even considered divorce. Her husband reached out to Mark, and that began the process of healing. The priest was never convicted and the church never accepted liability for the abuse. Three months ago Donna's husband Ray died in her arms after suffering a major heart attack, but today she gets to tell Mark thank you for saving her marriage and helping her husband to heal. Donna tells Mark that if he had not had his courage to come forward, and that her husband would not have been able to die in peace after finding so much healing through support groups after coming forward.
Oprah closes by saying that she's grateful that any current victim or survivor gets to watch this show and know, "I am not the only one."
Gospel Filter Review (GFR)
I'm still not feeling great, and through watching this show much of the material is best addressed in the previous 200 Men post as well as the original Tyler Perry post, and other posts from shows dealing with the theme of sexual abuse. I will say that this subject matter is heartbreaking and that I cried many tears writing this recap; that may be part of why I'm so worn out today in particular.
Up Monday
The Response
Oprah starts by telling us about the response to last week's part 1, and we hear many callers leaving voicemails, in tears, about how touched they were by the courage of the men to come forward and the anger and heartbreak they as viewers were reeling in as a result.
Relationship Impact
Oprah tells us that sexual abuse plants seeds of inferiority and worthlessness, and that adversely affects relationships, particularly intimate ones. We hear clips of men describing their struggles in relationships, from one man saying he hasn't been intimate with his wife in years to another saying he's incredibly promiscuous with women. Other men say they know how to have sex but have never been truly intimate, never giving their heart. Of the 200 men, 80% (that's 160 of them) said in poll that they struggle with intimacy.
The wife of John, the man who said they hadn't been intimate in years, tells us it's been 8 years and the marriage is deteriorating. Tyler Perry asks if it's sex or intimacy, and she says both. The wife says that when she was trying to pursue him, to find out what was going on, she says she was completely shut down and shut out. The wife breaks into tears explaining that when her husband finally admitted the abuse to her a year and a half ago he would allow no questions, nothing, and she feels like he hates and resents her. Tyler says it's not her fault, but the wife says that her husband won't get help and she wants to help him. Oprah explains that him being here is a start and reintroduces us to Dr. Howard Fradkin.
Dr. Howard Fradkin
Again, Dr. Fradkin specializes in counseling male survivors of sexual abuse. He says that John's reaction is very common, that no one wants to talk, share, or trust. Oprah reiterates that sexual abuse changes the way you view yourself, and you act on those views. Dr. Fradkin says he tells men that "recovery is about being disloyal to dysfunction and loyal to functionality." Men have to identify the dysfunctional messages, such as I'm worthless or incapable of being loved, and to refuse to listen to them and learn functional messages and functional behaviors that lead to functional relationships.
Suicide
After a break, we see clips of men talking about wanting to commit suicide. One man says that death--the inability to see, hear, smell--was the only promise of peace that he could see. The polled men say that 81% of them have contemplated suicide and 33% have actually attempted it. Dr. Fradkin says those statistics are horrifying but also very common. Oprah asks why suicide, and Dr. Fradkin says it's simply so devastating, that for men they feel like their manhood, their spirituality, and their ability to connect in a safe way was taken. They feel no safety in the world and suicide seems like the only safe alternative.
Sexual Confusion
Many sexually abused men struggle with sexual confusion, wondering if they are gay or not. Dr. Fradkin says, first and foremost, that being abused is not having sex. A sexual abuse victim is being perpetrated by someone, not having sex with them. Dr. Fradkin says that sexual abuse does not cause anyone to become gay, that most of the time sexuality is determined by age 4 or 5 and most sexual abuse happens after that, once someone's sexuality is already determined. Oprah says there is a myth that sexual abuse can cause you to become gay, and Dr. Fradkin says that sexual orientation has nothing to do with abuse. Oprah is very intrigued by the point that Dr. Fradkin makes that a boy who is being abused by a man, and who is a homosexual, can struggle with feeling like the abuser saw his secret inside of him and brought it out.
Ray
Something that moved me to tears was Oprah telling us that the last man in a montage of clips, sharing about the effects of their abuse, is a man named Ray who has worked on her show for 15 years. He's helped produce many shows about child sexual abuse for the Oprah show over the years, and he decided it was time for him to come forward and share about his own abuse. He went into Oprah's office to tell her in person because he didn't want her to find out on TV. Oprah asks him why now, and he says that he couldn't ask those men to talk about their abuse and he not talk about his. He says that you get abused by your abuser and then you get abused again by the aftermath of the abuse; Oprah says it was profound and poignant when Ray told her last night that he'd spent his life trying to cope and now he's ready to heal. Healing, he says, is when you feel the feelings and are honest about what it has done to you, and mourning that.
Oprah talks about how she was sexually promiscuous as a teenager, thinking that she was just "fast" the way they said she was. She didn't connect her promiscuity to her abuse until she was doing a show later on the topic, and Ray explains that his way of coping has been to be confident, to be great at everything he does, because he was trying to prove to himself that he really was worthy. Dr. Fradkin says that every tear shed is one that gives worth back to the survivor.
Not Killed
Many abuse survivors say that they feel as though they were killed as a child, like the little boy they were died. Tyler Perry expressed this very clearly in his original show with Oprah about his own sexual abuse. Dr. Fradkin says that the little boy didn't die, and that the men now are fighting to protect that little boy inside, essentially giving him the life he deserves. He says it's important to let that little boy say his truth, to give him a chance to heal.
A Child Molester's Perspective
Last year, Oprah sat down with four child molesters, and she shows a segment from that show. Oprah asks one man if he loved the little girl he abused, and he says yes. She asks then if he's thought about how he affected her, and the man says he spent a lot of time thinking about it, and that he thinks he kills who she could have been. He says he basically murdered a person.
Moving Forward
One man, Daniel, tells Oprah that seeing that moment from that show impacted him deeply, because he didn't tell his parents for nearly 30 years. Realizing that he feels like his abuser killed who he could have been makes him wonder if he could have been a different father, a different husband, a different person. Oprah says that her favorite definition of forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different. She says you have to mourn what has happened but not to stay there.
Dr. Fradkin says you must fully mourn what happened, but you can't move forward until you have fully mourned and most people need professional help to do this. He points out that the abuser said he loved the little girl he abused, but that's never love, yet the abused person rarely can fully get this through the mess of confusion that is imposed on them as they are being abused. Dr. Fradkin says that you must learn tools and techniques to go back and rescue the abused boy, and then to bring him back to the present to have one life together with the man who lives now.
The Abused Becomes The Abuser?
One man says that one of the most hurtful myths is that if a boy is abused then he'll grow up to become an abuser. This is the reason, he says, so many boys never say anything, because they don't want anyone to think they'll grow up to become "one of them." Dr. Fradkin says that it is a myth, and that it's a very small minority of men who go on to become molesters. He explains that many men who are perpetrators were abused themselves, but that many men who were abused abhor that kind of violence and would never do that to anyone. Dr. Fradkin concurs that many men don't come forward because they fear the stigma.
One key point he makes is that many abused men don't like to be around children because they fear any situation that makes them uncomfortable. Something so simple as changing a diaper can cause a flashback or bring up the horrible feelings and cause a man to recoil from children. This can affect many abused men who become fathers.
Getting Help
Dr. Fradkin says it's important to get help and Oprah asks where. Dr. Fradkin says you have to find a therapist; if there's no therapist in your area, then look online and find a community where you can find other survivors for support. Oprah says she's been thinking about prison and how many men are probably there because they were abused and turned to rage and violence.
Oprah's site has resources; you can see them here:
http://www.oprah.com/packages/sexual-abuse-resource-center.html
Donna & Mark
Eight years ago, a man Mark came out on Oprah's show talked about being abused by his priest. A woman named Donna was watching the show and her husband Ray saw the priest's blurred out photo and Ray whispered, "I'd know that face anywhere." That was the day she found out that same priest had sexually abused her husband. For their 24 year marriage her husband was distant and they even considered divorce. Her husband reached out to Mark, and that began the process of healing. The priest was never convicted and the church never accepted liability for the abuse. Three months ago Donna's husband Ray died in her arms after suffering a major heart attack, but today she gets to tell Mark thank you for saving her marriage and helping her husband to heal. Donna tells Mark that if he had not had his courage to come forward, and that her husband would not have been able to die in peace after finding so much healing through support groups after coming forward.
Oprah closes by saying that she's grateful that any current victim or survivor gets to watch this show and know, "I am not the only one."
Gospel Filter Review (GFR)
I'm still not feeling great, and through watching this show much of the material is best addressed in the previous 200 Men post as well as the original Tyler Perry post, and other posts from shows dealing with the theme of sexual abuse. I will say that this subject matter is heartbreaking and that I cried many tears writing this recap; that may be part of why I'm so worn out today in particular.
Up Monday
Whoopi Goldberg Clearing Up Feud Rumors and The Color Purple Reunion
I thought you may be interested in reading this.
ReplyDeletehttp://womenspeakout.wordpress.com/2010/11/19/i-came-forward-on-oprah/
Thank you for sharing! That was incredibly brave and I am honored that you would share your story not just with the world but that you would point me to where I can read it. I pray that you would find ultimate healing and joy in Jesus.
ReplyDelete