Episode 19 - Why She Sued Her Husband For $12 Million And Won

There is something called "living on the down low"; it's men, who say they are straight, and often they are married. Their "down low" life includes secretly having sex with other men, but who insist they are not gay and they need not come out nor be labeled as gay.

Bridget: The Woman Who Sued Her Husband for $12 Million And Won

Recap
Bridget had a great, high paying job, owned her own home, and lived a comfortable life. She met a man named John, and after two years of dating, she married him in her early 30s. She says that they were so in love, everything was wonderful and perfect and they had "freeing...mad, crazy sex" on their honeymoon. They had sex before marriage, but since their relationship was monogamous, they began having unprotected sex before the wedding. On the way home from the honeymoon, John got very, very sick but no one knew what it was. Later, Bridget felt very sick, was tested for everything possible, and found out she was HIV positive. She says she had been very careful and was shocked to be HIV positive; John's doctor told her that she had given her husband the virus. She describes feeling like poison, and how she sometimes still feels like poison.

Bridget and John decided to deal with the news on their own; his HIV turned into AIDS and he was telling his family she gave him the disease. Her older brother, Lee, said there had been suspicions about John's sexuality from the family but they wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and they loved their sister. However, when he heard what John was telling his family about her, Lee told Bridget to go ask John how many he'd had sex with. She did, and John said two, that they'd been actual relationships, and he just hadn't told her.

However, eventually Bridget found men-cruising-for-men websites in his internet history on his computer, and a slew of very explicit e-mails in his cache. Oprah says she saw some of those e-mails and her mind was blown, that it "was some vile stuff", and she told her producer that she "did not want it in [her] brain". One example of the e-mails that hit me was him looking for other married men with HIV/AIDS to have sex with.
Eventually, Bridget confronted her husband, kicked him out of the home, and divorced.

After break, we switch gears to Bridget saying that living with HIV isn't as simple as people say. Oprah refers to Magic Johnson as the poster child of survival, Bridget calls her out on that, saying that yes, you live if you take the medicinal cocktail, but it's not a normal, easy life. Magic Johnson has the best of everything--chefs, the best doctors, any medicine he wants, everything. So the average person with the disease looks nothing like Magic Johnson; Oprah is humble and thanks Bridget for correcting her.

Finally, we learn that Bridget sued John in a civil suit that took 7 years; she won $12 million but she hasn't seen any money. She's actually had to spend more money on legal fees because he filed for bankruptcy this summer. However, we do learn that she has a boyfriend, whom she says is a wonderful man, and he knows about the HIV but they have been very careful to ensure that she doesn't give it to him. They also got pregnant "the old-fashioned way" and she is pregnant with a little girl; she's on a medication that has proven a less than 1% chance of the baby getting the virus. Oprah thanks Bridget for her time and we go to the second half (which I promise to recap more succinctly!) of the show.

J.L. King: The Man Who Outed "Life On The Down Low" Six Years Ago Returns

Recap
We now see the man who outed the down low, or DL, life on the Oprah show in 2004. We see a clip in which he tells Oprah, back then, that the DL has nothing to do with being gay; it's all about sex. He says, bluntly, "It's about gratification, not orientation." Today, Oprah tells us that through his entire dating life and eight year marriage he was having sex with men, even in his own home while his wife slept upstairs.


Now, he tells Oprah that he is a proud, out, black, gay man. He says fear of losing his family, his church, etc, caused him to be in denial. He says that his churches taught that if you are gay then God does not love you, you are less than a man, that if you are gay you are a pedophile. He's since met other black, gay men and realized that it doesn't have to mean losing everything, though he did destroy his family. He emphasizes that the DL life is not just a black men thing--it's a men of all races thing.


J.L.'s Wife, Brenda


Recap
Brenda says they were high school sweethearts and that they were the perfect couple to everyone around them. After five years she felt that there might be another woman, but found out that J.L. was having a homosexual relationship with another man. Brenda tells Oprah, back in the studio, that she had never suspected a thing. The hardest part for her was that he betrayed her and had lied to her and didn't confess his desires, robbing her of the opportunity for them to work it out. Brenda has forgiven him, and J.L. encourages men to come out and tell the truth, and for the women to forgive them. 


Ulandsey


Recap
We see another man who, six years ago, was blacked out and had his voice distorted. He said he was juggling three men that he was having sex with--one a married man--but that he also had sex with women. He insisted he was not gay, refuses to even use the word bisexual. Today, he comes on the show to identify himself and to say that he is a gay man. He says that back then he represented guys on the down low, and how he wants to be a lightning rod to encourage men to stop living that life. He says that his family knows and loves him, but he needs to come out for the strangers and take responsibility for his role in the conversation. 


The show ends with a woman named AJ from Arizona. She saw an episode in which the message was that if your sex life is bad then your relationship is probably bad. AJ started keeping track and realized that they had almost no sex life, and ended up finding out that her big, manly husband was not only secretly gay but a sex addict. She divorced him and now is with the love of her life and is very happy and thankful for Oprah's show. Oprah closes by saying that this is why she does these shows.


Gospel Filter Reviews
I have covered homosexuality in depth before, so you can read more there. Similarly, there is more about forgiveness in other GFR's from previous posts as well. Something my husband said, while catching a piece of the show, really stuck with me. He said, "Why is the answer always divorce?" That really hit me, because it saddens me that even those who were married and in the church divorced.

First, while I already linked to the Biblical perspective, it angers me deeply--and I believe that it angers God--that there are churches teaching that homosexuality means God doesn't love you, along with other lies. God's truth is that if you are struggling with same sex attraction then Jesus, who died to reconcile you to God and free you from all sin, can forgive you and set you free as you rely on him. Jesus understands that you are suffering as you are tempted and He has mercy and is faithful and wants you to rely on the same Holy Spirit that empowered Him to resist sin. God loves people struggling with same-sex attraction, including those who have acted on that sin, even men who commit adultery with other men while married to women. The Gospel is meant to set you free into the arms of the Father who loves you and bigoted pastors need to stop preaching hateful lies in Jesus' name.

I serve in a ministry called Redemption Groups, as well as being involved in the lives of friends who love Jesus and want to know Him better, and I have walked through extremely painful situations with women, including women who had been absolutely devastated by husbands who have committed atrocious sins against them. I have never known a woman whose husband was having sex with other men, but I have seen Jesus redeem and restore marriages where he committed adultery (and I mean actual sex with other women); where she committed adultery; where he was addicted to pornography; where he had sex with prostitutes; where she was addicted to pornography; and even situations where he raped her. Any of these situations suggest that divorce would be ok, and the Bible even does say that in the event of sexual immorality, divorce can be sought (Matthew 19:9). This actually the only circumstance in which Jesus says divorce is allowed; he says in that same verse that if divorce is for any reason other than sexual immorality, and a man (or woman) remarries, then that person is committing adultery.

However, in the previous verse, Jesus says that Moses allowed people to divorce due to the hardness of their heart, but from the beginning it was not so. God's heart for marriage, as I've written about before, is that it reflect the marriage in heaven of Jesus Christ to His bride, the church. The church is filled with sinners, and various parts of scripture (such as Ezekiel 16, Hosea) show how our hearts are like adulterous whores (that's the Bible's blunt language), chasing after our idolatrous desires, other lovers that have consumed our hearts. Yet Jesus patiently loves the church, builds the church, cleanses the church, forgives the church, ministers to the church; he never divorces us. Not a single Christian who belongs to Jesus is ever lost (John 17:12), let alone the church as a whole.

For this reason, neither is divorce, even when permissible due to adultery, ever God's best. I am not condemning any of these women who divorced their husbands. I am just sad that Jesus never had the chance to bring about redemption, to change hearts, to allow full reconciliation, and to be glorified in making a marriage that should have rightfully ended one firmly rooted in Him. This makes His glory and renown great and it gives others hope. What really broke my heart is the continued message that it's all about being happy.

This is a hard truth, but marriage is not about happiness. It's about holiness. Sometimes it means you feel like you're fighting for Jesus' glory alone while your spouse couldn't care less, and that is heartbreaking. I know because there have been rough patches like that in my marriage when my husband's heart was getting harder and harder and mine was breaking. I was filled with sin, too, yet by Jesus' grace I was before Him daily, crying out to Him to break in and change my husband's heart. I understood that we were on a path toward eventual divorce if Jesus didn't act on our behalf. Praise God, He did. We still struggle because we're both sinners, but I am truthfully and honestly more in love with my husband, despite painful sin that has come into the light that we have both committed against one another, than early in our marriage when we were the happiest. Recent times have been very, very hard, but I can honestly tell you they have been filled with the most joy, even in the midst of tears and anguish.

If your marriage is hurting, fight. Fight in prayer asking Jesus to change your heart, to show you your sin, to make you a more godly spouse. Fight in prayer for your spouse, not that they'd fulfill you and stop doing the things you don't like or start doing the things you want, but that they would surrender to the Holy Spirit and be led by Jesus in humble repentance that glorifies Him. If you don't know Jesus, seek His forgiveness for your sins. That is the place to start. But fight for your marriage--I am telling you, I have seen mountains literally moved, where people who should hate one another are walking with Jesus and have a marriage that others would look at and envy. Don't look for what has to happen so you can get out--cling to the one who was eternally all-in when He committed to marrying you, Jesus Christ who loves you and your spouse deeply.

Up Tomorrow
This will be fun--the 30-year-old virgin. Bring it on!