Episode 25 - American War Heroes: Why Are These Women Now Homeless?

Recap
Today's episode is about average American women... who just happen to be fighting in our military halfway around the world. Oprah is focusing today on the struggles many face upon returning home. The stats are as such: 1.8 million female veterans live in our country; 230,000 fought in Iraq and/or Afghanistan; 30,000 are single mothers. Tammy Duckworth, the Asst. Secretary for Veterans Affairs says that the VA is a system set up for men, and they are reeling trying to figure out how to serve women.

A heartbreaking statistic flashes across the screen: 1 in 3 female soldiers are sexually assaulted or raped while in the military. Duckworth tells us that 80-90% never reported the trauma while still in active duty. Now, women are back and trying to adjust to civilian life. Additionally, married female soldiers are 3 times more likely to divorce than their male counterparts, and many women return to bitter custody battles. Female soldiers are twice as likely to become homeless as a man, and an estimated 6,500 female veterans are currently homeless.

Alicia
We meet, Alicia, a 32-year-old veteran living in a car she rents for $10 a day. She served in Iraq and Afghanistan in the Air Force and worked at the Pentagon. We see a video of her talking about her day--trying to get her resume together to apply for jobs, showering at the gym, and staying near the airport because there are hotels with bathrooms nearby. We see her crying, struggling to say the word, that she is homeless.

In the studio, Oprah speaks with Alicia. She served for 10 years, so she gets about $700 in retirement funds a month. However, due to outstanding debts, she only gets about $200 a month of that, and lives off of $13 a day; the $10 for the rental car, $2 for whatever comes up, and $1 for food. Oprah asks why she looks so good (she's gorgeous, for the record) and she says she has always done her hair, nails, and make-up, and so she just keeps that routine, rising and shining every day no matter the circumstance. We learn that Alicia had housing, a room that she gave up to a mom with three children. She saw the babies and had to ensure they'd be taken care of.

After the break, Alicia, in a clip, talks about people not understanding why she doesn't try to get help. She says that it's hard to say you're drowning when your mouth is full of water. She's broken down in tears, and when we get back to the studio she's bent over, nearly heaving, with the grief. Oprah asks if she's angry, and Alicia says no, that she's been surrounded by greatness and strength while growing up in Washington, D.C.. Though she's not angry, she does say that there is a smaller ratio of resources for women than there is percentage of women in serving in the military.

Mikaela*
Two years after joining the California National Guard at 17, Mikaela was deployed to work at a checkpoint in Iraq. She says she wasn't trained for what she was doing and her unit was shot at nightly. One night, a fellow male soldier threatened to rape her. Upon her return from Iraq she became pregnant and was released after 7 1/2 years of service since she had no one to care for her daughter during future deployments. She was living in her car with her daughter, but recently a non-profit provided free housing for them.

Back in the studio, Mikaela says that she has strong faith that this is a temporary situation, and because it's not permanent she can get through day by day.

*I couldn't find how to spell her name, so this is my best guess.

Tammy Duckworth
After the break, we get to hear more about Major Tammy Duckworh; she was awarded the Purple Heart after a helicopter she was flying was shot down and she lost both of her legs. She's now working with President Obama to see an end to homeless veterans. She says the President has recently committed a large amount of resources to homelessness among veterans, with the goal of seeing it brought to an end in five years.

Tammy points over to Alicia and Mikaela and says that these women are strong, and Oprah asks Alicia why she hasn't reached out for help. Alicia says she's proud of her uniform and ashamed of the need for help. Tammy says part of the problem is that many women don't know about the services the VA offers. Tammy says these women are going to be strong leaders, working to lead this country into the future. Alicia replies that she thinks the VA has great programs, but her issue is that the resources aren't enough for everyone to get access.

Alicia explains that one problem is that if a returning soldier is diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) they cannot get security clearance nor a job in law enforcement. Since most soldiers love to work in that field, to protect and serve, then they try to avoid the label but this also cuts them off from receiving the resources to deal with the issue.

Military Moms Losing Custody of their Children
We're introduced to Tonya who had been serving in the National Guard for 11 years when she was sent to Iraq. She had a 6-month-old son with her current husband, and her 8-year-old son from a previous marriage lived with them. Upon deployment a judge ruled that her older son had to be sent back to his father, but that he could return to her home when she did. However, about a week before returning home she received an e-mail from her lawyer saying that her ex-husband was suing her for custody of her older son.

Sitting with Oprah in the studio, Tonya tearfully explains that the judge ruled that since both parents had stable homes but he had been with his father for 18 months then it was best for her son to stay with his father. She has joint custody, but the father has physical custody, meaning he lives there and visits her. Oprah asks if she would have gone had she known, and she says that she would have done everything she could to get out of being deployed, including dishonorably discharging herself. In tears she says that she never thought she would be penalized for serving her country.

A woman in the audience, Eva, shares that a similar situation happened when she was overseas. Her daughter was, similarly to Tonya, ruled to be left in her father's home since that was where she had been. Eva fought a bitter custody battle, consistently appealing the decisions, and after nearly two years of the court battle her daughter was returned to her. Eva said she then worked to pass a law in Kentucky that would protect women from this situation, since there are laws to protect soldiers from losing their jobs, their cell phone contracts, their leased cars, etc. She has worked to change laws in four other states, and, to date, 36 states now have laws to protect soldiers from losing custody of their children upon deployment.

Margaret & Jasmine's Custody Battles
CBS news correspondent Mandy Clark interviews two women currently serving in Afghanistan. Margaret is a 27-year-old mother of three whose marriage was on the rocks when she was deployed. After a few months, during a video chat, her husband said that she had abandoned her family and he is seeking divorce and full custody. She says in tears that she struggles with her decision to fulfill her deployment, wondering if her children will as adults, blame the divorce on her since she chose to leave.

Jasmine is also going through a divorce and constantly worries about her baby girl; she spends her downtime every day constantly searching for housing, a job, preschool, etc, trying to have a new life ready for her when she returns home.

Oprah has the women live via satellite in the studio. Margaret says she has no choice but to let her husband have custody of her children, aged 6, 4, and 18 months. She'll figure out how to fight to get them back when she returns. She insists that it's hard to be away from children for anyone, but that this is the best decision she's ever made in her life, to serve her country. Jasmine, who didn't have her daughter when she signed up for the military, says she has to sacrifice for her daughter for now, missing most of her second year of life, and do what she has to do to get her baby back when she returns.

Oprah asks what the women would say to their children if they are watching, and both insist to their children that they are doing this, serving their country,  for them and that they can't wait to be home.

Tammy & Juanita Reunited
In the last few moments, we see Tammy Duckworth be able to reconnect with Juanita, a women on Oprah's show before, the first mother to lose a limb in Iraq. Oprah surprises Tammy, who is touched to see Juanita because when Tammy got back from Iraq and didn't feel like she would live through her injuries Juanita was the one who encouraged her and basically gave her the will to fight to overcome. Oprah ask how Juanita is now, and she says her husband is in Iraq now and she's relying on a spiritual force, God, just to get through each day.

Oprah ends by thanking all servicemen and servicewomen, reiterating the point that we are all dishonored when someone who has served this country has to sleep on the streets that he or she has defended.

Gospel Filter Review
This will be a tough one, but as my husband said to me when I was talking to him about it as we ate dinner, if I'm not willing to tackle the very tough subjects then I should shut down this blog. I feel led to address the issues of military and the role of wives and mothers with regards to the military.

[EDIT (10/20/2010): Something that I want to make clear is in line with a principle I have written in the past but didn't write here, but some feedback helped me see that it's necessary to continually repeat! God's utmost concern is that a person know and worship Jesus. He doesn't care about people following the "rules" of the Bible. Rules and law following with worship-filled relationship with the One who makes the rules and laws leads to emptiness, death, despair, and destruction. By no means are the Biblical principles for wives and mothers meant to be taken up as a dagger in which we go around slashing at women who don't seem to be living up to par. The goal is that a woman know Jesus, so for non-Christians it's a moot point to tell them to obey the Bible.

When Jesus enters a woman's heart other Christian sisters can walk with her through what Jesus' Word says, but even then we're pointing her to Christ and His Word, not just rules with a Jesus label thrown on them. The purpose, then, in sharing what the Bible says is because God does want us to know the truth. The truth should always lead us to Him, and He meets us with Himself and if there's sin He roots it out so we can repent and be restored to deeper intimacy first with them and then with others. My hope is never that women would read about these topics and either feel indignantly self-righteous against "those sinners", nor go to a place of despair because there is no hope for either themselves or others who don't meet the standards set here; rather, my heart is that God's truth would be written in a clear manner, and then that women would go to Him. If it's about their own stuff with regards to these topics, praise Jesus! If it's on behalf of others that they are burdened for--maybe a woman whom you know who is not serving her husband and children well and it's ripping them apart--and asking God to soften that woman's heart and reveal Himself to her, then praise Jesus!

Again, what matters is Jesus. Knowing Him. Crying out to Him to give us Himself, to fill us with wisdom to walk in truth and grace with Him. That applies not just to this post but every single one. It all starts and ends with Jesus. END EDIT]


A quick aside before diving in: with regards to homelessness among veterans, it IS tragic and absolutely there should be things in place to assist veterans with assimilating back into civilian life, men and women. The church should be surrounding these people and welcoming them and loving and encouraging them as well. The Bible speaks of caring for the poor, and many returning veterans are physically and emotionally and spiritually poor. They are simply just spent and need rebuilding; I pray that veterans would find grace and love and support in Christ's body such that it would point them to the Father who loves them and is there to walk with them through the after-effects of their experience.

First, the military. Serving in the military is not something that the Bible forbids, nor does it require it. It's a choice, a matter of conscience. We certainly see a trend of people fighting to defend themselves; many areas of scripture come to mind, but Nehemiah 4:13&14 is fresh since I recently referred to this passage in the name we chose for our little baby boy, whose gender we just found out this week(!), so I'll quote it.

"So in the lowest parts of the space behind the wall, in open places, I stationed the people by their clans, with their swords, their spears, and their bows. And I looked and arose and said to the nobles and to the officials and to the rest of the people, “Do not be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your homes.”

So, fighting to protect your loved ones isn't wrong. The issue comes, however, when worship of country comes before worship of God. I'm not accusing anyone of sin, nor should we run around trying to sin-hunt in people. God cares always about our own heart. That's why something that each of us needs to pray about is whether we actually put God first and love Him for Him, or whether we love Him for what He gives us or could give us if He'd only answer our prayers with, "Yes!", every time. As Pastor Mark Driscoll often says, do we treat God like a pinata and prayer like the stick to whack Him with?

In the context of the military, we need to ask God to search our hearts, because the American notion that service men and women are some sort of holier person because they served isn't healthy. They are to be respected and prayed for, and I am grateful for their service. What is disturbing, however, is how easily God and country are rolled into one by man in our nation because God tells us that He comes first, then country, and that's never to be confused. Live for God, pray for your country, and ask God how to best honor Him through loving and serving others.

The Military, Being a Wife, and Motherhood
I have to confess, the temptation for this subject is to write in a defensive posture, thinking about what critics and opponents would / possibly will say, and then writing to address their arguments now. That's not what the Lord's heart is. I need not be ashamed of His Word, and I need to share it boldly and honestly, praying that it's reflecting His heart regardless of how people think of me.

First, regarding women in the military, I can't definitively say the Bible denies it. Biblically, those fighting are almost always the men, and women are in a supportive role, not in the front lines of combat. When God is specifically leading his armies into the promised land in Joshua, the men go out and the women stay behind to both take care of the children and have comforts of home (even a transient camp) ready for the men when they returned. Still, this is all descriptive and nothing anywhere that I know of forbids the women from fighting. I don't see the Lord saying that any woman who serves in the military is sinning and disobedient; if someone sees something in the Bible that I don't in that regard then I would love to have discourse.

However, mothers in the military are a different story. I need to say right now: I am not saying any of these women, or any other military mother, deserves to lose her children. Not at all. I want to nip that thought in the bud so it doesn't distract from what the Bible does say about mothers. The Bible makes very clear that when woman becomes a wife, her role is to honor and serve her husband second only to Jesus. The Bible repeatedly calls wives to submit to their husbands, and part of this submission looks like loving and serving him in the home. A loving and understanding husband shares the burdens of upkeep of the home and making life run smoothly, so the wife isn't a maid and cook, but she is a helper who loves her husband well but serving him in the home. 

We consistently see women in the Bible serving in this way, and the famous passage in Proverbs 31 describes a wife who runs and executes her household in a way that honors and serves her husband and children as an act of worship to the Lord. She works hard willingly, cooks, cleans, plants a garden, makes clothes, sells things, pays the bills, makes sure the burned out light bulb gets replaced so the home is lit, serves the poor, etc. This looks a little different for each woman--some godly women I know are terrible cooks, but their husband is great at it and loves it and he cooks. Praise Jesus! It's not a list that every woman must check off. Rather, as always, God looks at the heart and Jesus is glorified when a godly woman seeks Him in how to love and serve her husband and children.

With this, the Bible seems clear (though there is much debate) in its admonition that mothers in particular are a consistent presence in their homes and with their children. Proverbs 31:28 says:

Her children rise up and call her blessed.

Some argue about the age of these children, but I don't know many grown people with their own families who wake up in the morning and immediately think of their moms. It seems that this would refer, in particular, to young children, for whom their mother is an integral part of waking up and being ready for the day. Yes, your average three year old isn't thinking, "My mother is a blessed woman who serves me so well." However, as a mother loves and serves that three year old, is there to be a mother to them as they grow, then eventually that child may wake up and in their prayers praise God for a mother who loves and serves them well and always has. 

Additionally, the second passage that goes hand in hand with Proverbs 31 on the roles of women as wives and mothers is Titus 2:3-5:

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

This reiterates the idea of young women, particularly those with young children, being at home serving their husband and children. This does not mean any job outside the home is automatically sin; it does mean, though, that a wife and mother's primary calling is to those roles and if any role outside the home precludes her from fulfilling that joint calling well then she must humbly seek whether the Lord is the one calling her to said hindrance. Biblically, there isn't any evidence that God ever does this, so a woman must seek the Holy Spirit to show her any ill motive within herself that she may not see.

With regards to this show, then, it was highly disturbing to hear women, particularly the mothers in custody battles, say that they did this for their children. Biblically, doing something for one's children means that you are with them, mothering them, being their first line of defense against sin and pointing them to Jesus on a consistent basis. How many mothers of young toddlers, particularly a stay-at-home mom, have you ever heard describe how they feel like their entire day was one of instruction and discipline? Teaching what to do and why, what not to do and why, why things go well when we obey but why there are negative consequences when we disobey, etc--ALL DAY LONG. Mothers also nurture and comfort in a way singularly significant to them. Daddies are wonderful, and surely a source of comfort and nurture, but there is a special role that a mother plays that is always sorely missed when a mother is either absent or doesn't fulfill this role. Children need their mothers. 

A woman's obligations, if she is a wife and mother are as thus: worshiper of Jesus, wife, mother, then possibly career. Again, if career inhibits fulfillment of the first two then it's out of line and not honoring to God. a husband whose wife cannot fulfill any wifely duties, from the Proverbs 31 list to others not included, like being a present physical, emotional, spiritual, and sexual counterpart, has the right to ask how she is fulfilling a role that takes precedence to career and country. Similarly, if a mother has gone halfway around the world for 18 months, and insists she did it for her child, it's fair of that child to point out everything a mother should be, as described above, and ask why fulfilling that role, being the mother that the child needs, didn't take first priority.

Again, I am not saying these women deserve to lose their children. I'm not denying any sin on the part of husbands divorcing their wives because they left, because the Bible is clear about divorce (read what I've written about it before here) and those are not Biblical grounds. But we just reject the idea that because these women were in the military that it's a noble self-sacrifice. It's not. It's a sin against their husbands and children. Wife and mother takes precedence to career, ergo the career needed to be that which was abandoned. If a woman did this to honor Christ and serve her family, then He could be trusted with the consequences of choosing to leave the military, even if it's that of a dishonorable discharge. 

Christ must be honored above country, and if country is calling a woman to dishonor her family and leave them to serve in war then she is dishonoring Christ when she dishonors her family and is honoring country first. It's wrong and we must reject it. We can hurt for these women, pray for them, pray for their children and the consequences of the choices made, and pray that ultimately Jesus is met, loved, lived for, and gets the glory. The truth doesn't give us the right to be spiteful or self-righteous; however, it's not loving to shy away from the truth, and the truth is that these women made the wrong choice.

Finally, I do see a sticky area with regards to a woman with no children working outside the home in a highly demanding job, even serving in the military. With children it's a no contest--children need their mother. With husbands, who are more autonomous, it's a little different. This is very much between the husband and the wife and how God leads them together. If the husband wants her available and she doesn't submit then she's sinning; if he forces her to work and she can't also fulfill her role as a wife well then he is sinning. If she is taken away long term, it seems that the Bible would call her to put her role as a wife first, because being gone long term wouldn't seem congruent with fulfilling her role as a wife. Even if the husband feels ok with her leaving, that he can handle it, is that God's best and what He desires marriage to look like? From what we see of marriage and the roles of husbands and wives, it would appear to be no.

Whew. That was a LOT. Certain to spark debate. I'll do my best to respond to any feedback, though my life seems busier by the day so we'll see where this one goes :)

Up Monday
The 16-Year-Old boy who killed his molester.