Episode 12 - Jenny McCarthy: After the Big Break Up Plus Will Author Terry McMillan Forgive Her Gay Ex-husband?

Jenny McCarthy 

Recap
Jenny and Oprah dive into the break-up with Jim Carrey. She says that the famous tweet, in which Jim announced their ended relationship to the world, was one she knew about and that they decided together to put out there. They have an interesting conversation about how, in essence, when there is a break-up it's easy to blame the other person but you need to own how usually it's equally your fault. Oprah asks Jenny if she thought it was going to be forever, and this turns into telling the "young girls listening" to keep their stuff (Jenny feels her "higher self" knew it wasn't forever because she never sold her house when she moved in with Jim) and to "make your own money." This is met with loud cheers and applause from the audience. Believe you me, I'ma be touching on that in the GFR (Gospel Filter Review) at the end!!

After the break, Jenny tells us that she knew it was over when it wasn't fun anymore. She felt that when it was over she felt that she needed to learn from the relationship but not stay in it because the lessons were there to glean but the relationship was over. She says she felt she needed a lover to have love in her life, but came out realizing that she is the love of her life. She and Oprah then discuss the fact that no one can complete you and only you can complete yourself; Jenny says she is the full sundae and anyone else in her life is whipped cream.

Pause!!
Later, Jenny and Oprah discuss how Jenny ended up posing for Playboy. She tells this comical story about some... sensitive bits of hers and how she was treated standing there naked. Everyone was rolling and laughing and she's quite the story teller. But all I could think about was how sad that this woman created in God's image, so precious in his sight, is making light of being literally naked and judged and criticized, like it's just pure hilarity. So sad. And it was heartbreaking to hear her say that her heavily Catholic mother told her that after all of the work Jenny has done for raising awareness about autism (her son is autistic and she's been a force for the cause) that it's no big deal that she showed her bare butt. I pray that Jenny would know that she is precious to God, that it disgusts Him that anyone (but men especially) would reduce her to the sum of her naked body parts, and while He hates the sin of her willfully putting her naked body out there He loves her and beckons her to Himself much as He did with promiscuous woman after promiscuous woman in the Bible (Rahab, Mary, and the woman at the well to name a few).  I pray that Jenny would know God's love for her as a perfect Father; she did mention no longer wanting to be a sex object but taking care of her body because she enjoys working out and feeling good and enjoys pretty clothes, which is healthier than trying to be overly sexed, but I still pray that she'd know full redemption of being beautiful in God's sight.

Gospel Filter Review
There are so many directions I could go, but the biggest thing that stands out to me is the concept of marriage, dating, and what the purpose of relationships is. I touched on a piece of this in yesterday's GFR when I wrote about the roles of men and women in a marriage. There is much to redeem in Jenny's view of relationships, as she holds the world's (and by world, I mean the things humanity comes up with that has nothing to do with God's opinion) opinion that relationships are about us. See, the world teaches that you need to find someone who makes you happy, and you need to stay in the relationship as long as you are happy (remember how Jenny had to get out when it wasn't fun anymore?), and then the purpose of the relationship after you break up was to teach you what you need that's better in your next relationship.

This is absolutely not God's opinion. The Bible teaches that romantic relationships are meant to lead to marriage; you don't find dating in the Bible. Marriage between a husband and wife is ordained by God to represent Christ's marriage to His bride, the church, in heaven (Revelation 19:6-9). That marriage will last in eternity and God's intent for earthly marriage is that it will last until death. Relationships in general and marriage ultimately were never meant to be something that is all about filling a void in ourselves. Jesus is meant to be our first love as members of His church body, His bride (Revelation 2:4), and marriage is meant to glorify Him. But marriage is really, really hard. Anytime you take two sinners, two humans who natural proclivity is to seek out their own desires, and you put them together, then there will be very difficult times (James 4:1&2).

But you don't get to quit when it's not fun. That's when you pray, ask the Holy Spirit to show you your own sin, and you repent to your spouse. You also pray for your spouse, asking the Holy Spirit to lead and guide them and show them their sin; at the same time, you love them and esteem them and honor and respect them whether they're changing the way you would hope or not. There are times when God will lead you to lovingly talk to your spouse about something on their part that's bothering you. It should be bathed in prayer, loving, gentle, and respectful all while being honest. God's kindness is meant to lead us to repentance (Romans 2:4), and carrying around a holy stick and whacking your spouse over the head, no matter how much you prayed about it, is never going to soften their heart.

The truth is, all sin is committed first and foremost against God (Psalm 51:4). Our hearts should always grieve the offense against God far more than any offense against us. We can ask Jesus to help us forgive our spouse, and pray that they lean on Jesus to forgive us when we sin. As the church, our wedding dress is soiled and dirty. We are sinners and we constantly abandon Jesus, commit adultery by lusting (and acting out on that lust) after idols, hating Him and loving ourselves. Yet Jesus never gives up on us, never asks God for a divine divorce. He continually gives Himself, pursues us, and desires our repentance and full restoration to Himself because we are His precious bride and he loves us in spite of us. The Book of Hosea is both a heartbreaking and beautiful picture of God's passionate pursuit of His bride, the church, no matter how much she plays the harlot and chooses the very thing that destroys her and makes her miserable and broken.

So we can ask Jesus to make us like Himself, to fill us with the same Holy Spirit that empowered Him to endure death on the cross for our sin, so that we can love our spouse and reflect to them the powerful grace that Jesus gives us. And, as always, we cannot give grace we haven't received, so we must daily ask Jesus to show us our sin, to humble us, asking Him for the sweet, good, and precious gifts of conviction and repentance, so that we can be first and foremost worshipers of God and not hunters of sin and gatherers of evidence against the spouse that God has called us to live our lives with. We need to be filled with Jesus, overflowing Jesus to the people around us, because if we think we are our own greatest gift then life will not only be filled with rottenness, but our eternity will be spent paying the price for our sins and agonizing over the life we wasted that could have been lived for Jesus, now separate from Him for eternity.

Terry McMillan

Recap
Terry, a very successful author whose movies were blockbusters, met a Jamaican man named who was much younger (23 years younger) and after what was a whirlwind sexual romance that turned into him moving in three years later they married. He was the inspiration for the book (and movie) How Stella Got Her Groove Back After six years of marriage he told her that he was gay. They had a very public, angry war of words. Terry accused him of only being after her money, while he maintained that he only wanted money after she publicly attacked his character. While he initially told her he never acted on the feelings, he admitted on a previous Oprah show in 2005, with Terry when they were still "at war", that he felt he had to find out if his curiosity was actual homosexuality and he did engage in sexual intercourse while he was still married to Terry. We find that she was angry both that he was gay and that he was cheating on her. After that show she sued him for $40 million for emotional distress and ruining her reputation; she says later she sued because she wanted to puncture the lies that were told about her. He had no money so that wasn't the point. For the record, despite signing a pre-nup he sued for spousal support, but was only awarded $26,000 after a court battle.

Now, they're both here again. Terry says she was very angry that her life was turned to a public circus, and that she had come on Oprah's show then to show how much pain living a double life causes. Terry says that she realizes that she had owned the anger such that it took over and nothing else (beauty, etc) could get in. She realized that she was sabotaging her happiness and her joy and it had nothing to do with the other person; the anger and bitterness was an emotional termite that was eating her inside out.

Jonathan now describes the regret for how things went and how after that he tries now to be a better person, that he's learned from the process. He says that he really did love her, but that once he realized he was gay (he was in deep denial) things turned. Both he and Terry say that they both wish they wouldn't have sued one another and that they wouldn't have allowed the anger to control them. Jonathan says that he's finally now able to get back to happy... and, voila!, we find out that Terry McMillan's latest book is called Getting to Happy. Terry says she wrote the book because she realized that she had to let it all go, and that's how she got to get back to happy. She also clarifies that her anger wasn't that Jonathan was gay or that she has a problem with gay people; she was angry that she was lied to and betrayed.

Finally, Terry talks about how she wanted to hate Jonathan forever, because she felt that the more she hated him the more he would suffer. Oprah describes once, many years ago, holding this belief and then seeing the woman she was so angry at on Michigan Avenue, laughing and headed into a Tiffany Store. She realized that she was all in angry knots but the person she was angry with was fine. They end by Terry saying she forgave Jonathan, that she let it all go and that was forgiveness.

Gospel Filter Review
The theme of forgiveness is what hit me from this segment. Terry spoke much about forgiveness, how she "let it all go". That is the worldly definition of forgiveness. People think that if they let go then that will help them not be angry, but this typically leaves them somewhere between the common grace of God that does help root out bitterness and living in pure denial because we selfishly just want to feel better. Forgiveness is trusting God that He will bring justice to the sin committed against you. The person will either pay for their sin eternally in hell, or they'll receive the grace and joy of Jesus receiving punishment for their sin on the cross. Forgiveness is not, however, just "letting go", forgetting, saying, "It's ok now". It's not.

This is very personal but relevant. I was sexually abused by my biological father from possibly as early as a few days old until I was age 9, with a short break for two years, from ages 5-7, due to complicated circumstances in which he was under suspicion from the authorities and my parents (my mom and stepdad). I haven't seen him since I was at his trial when I was 11 and he was sentenced to 5 years (another long, tragic story of the failure of our justice system) in prison. He never admitted guilt. He has never tried to find me, to my knowledge, and I have never sought him out, either. My younger brother saw him once a few years ago, and still he maintained that he never touched me and I made it all up. I have forgiven him, and have peace that, though I'm still dealing with the fallout of such egregious sin, my heavenly Father is righteous and just and He will bring justice.

Some well intending Christians have asked me why I don't hunt him down, tell him all about how Jesus has changed me and how he needs Jesus, too. They say that it can't be real forgiveness if I intentionally keep my distance from him and don't tell him about Jesus. They are absolutely wrong and if I were to reply, "Get behind me, Satan!" I don't think God would disagree. Forgiveness is not forgetting. I cannot forget what was done to me, the betrayal and damage brought to my innocent young self (I was a sinner, but did not deserve what happened to me). I cannot pretend it never happened and it is absolutely not ok that he harmed me that way. And, though I have forgiven, sometimes I must forgive again because I remember something new, or realize something I never saw before about the depth of the betrayal, or it just hits me again. I'll be 18 weeks pregnant tomorrow, with my first baby, and the desire to love and protect my sweet little MiniMoose shows me anew how wrong and evil what my biological father did to me really was.

Save for the miracle of Jesus saving the man and him seeking my forgiveness, you'll never see me on Oprah's stage holding his hand and saying it's all ok now; honestly, even if he received Jesus and truly repented, that still may not happen. Forgiveness for egregious sins (as in, abuse, torture, physical harm, etc; not someone gossiped about you one time, though that's sin, too, but the more deeply harmful sins) does not mean you have to trust the person. Even if my biological father became so on fire for Jesus that thousands of people met Jesus and lit up with the flames of the Holy Spirit, I would likely never be alone in a room with him, nor would he ever, ever be alone with any of my children unless my husband and I were both keeping vigilant watch.  This wouldn't preclude relationship, but it would protect me and my children from someone who was abusive and harmful and cannot be trusted. And if he never does receive Jesus, though I do pray for him that he will, then I will never see the man whom God used to help give me life and that is ok.

I'll end with this--tragically, my biological father was accused once before me of sexually abusing a son of his. His mother knew about it, but he swore he didn't do it and even though she knew in her heart that he did, she said she was a Christian and she must forgive him. She had the unbiblical perspective that forgiveness is forgetting, so she never said a word when he met and married my mother. Never did she warn my mother, and so my mother had no reason to ever suspect that the first almost 5 years of my life were filled with horrible abuse against my body, not to mention the emotional manipulation (abuse) and mental/psychological abuse of the lies that he told to keep me believing that it was normal and ok and something everyone does and no one talks about. Apart from the sexual harm, the most painful part for me as a child was trying to understand why I couldn't love my daddy anymore and being so convinced by him that what he did was right that I couldn't understand why the bad touching was wrong, let alone understanding the difference between what was ok, or "good" touch, and what wasn't. Granted, had my grandmother told my mom then I may never have been born, so I know that God uses even sin for good because I know it's no mistake that I exist. But the choice to hold the world's definition of forgiveness was a sin on my grandmother's part that brought great harm into my life and I cannot imagine the guilt she must have suffered when the truth came into the light; not only that, but as a result she lost all contact with my brother and I, which I am certain compounded her suffering.

Choose the Bible. Don't let the world tell you what to believe. Sin is real and has real consequences, even something so seemingly small as "forgive and forget". Align your heart and beliefs with what God says. Ask Him what is true, to make you believe it, and to give you the wisdom and strength and courage to endure in believing it and living it out. I pray that Terry McMillan and her ex-husband both meet Jesus and can experience true forgiveness and reconciliation.

For a great resource on what forgiveness is and is not, please see this sermon clip from Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church.

Up Tomorrow
The Mom Who Fathered Her Own Children Plus: the Emmy Award Winning Cast of Modern Family