Episode 40 - A 2-Day Oprah Show Event: 200 Men Who Were Molested Come Forward Part I

200 Men Who Were Sexually Abused


Oprah begins by saying that all 200 men in her studio audience are holding a picture of when they say they were first sexually abused. She's silent, and the camera pans over the men's faces and their pictures. The silence is devastating. Already I am crying and know this will be an incredibly difficult episode for me. I'm praying for Jesus' grace and wisdom, that I would discern His truth, reflect His heart toward these men, and that Jesus would get the glory in my covering this episode.

Oprah says these men are standing together to lift veil of shame and discuss how their abuse has changed their lives. Statistically, the estimates are that 1 in every 6 men are abused, and 90% of abusers target someone they know. In a montage, we learn that the men are from all walks of life, the age when their abuse began spans from very young to their teens, and that they were abused by men from various walks of life as well.

Tyler Perry
Tyler Perry, who spoke about his abuse last week (you can read about that episode here), is back on the show. After a recap of that episode, Oprah asks Tyler how he's feeling since then; he replies that he feels a lot lighter. Oprah says that their hope and prayer--she says they prayed before coming out to do the show--is that the men would be encouraged to talk because every time you talk it releases the shame a little more.

Learning Details
Oprah says that both she and Tyler were abused by multiple people and asks for the men to, by show of hands, tell if they were abused by multiple people. Many hands--I estimate at least a quarter, possibly more than a third, so 50-75--are immediately raised. Oprah tells us that backstage, women who love these men--primarily wives, mothers, partners, etc--are watching and learning about the details of their loved one's story for the first time. As we go to break, some of the men, in pre-recorded clips, say exactly what happened to them. From rape to being urinated on (one man, as a young boy, was forced to allow his perpetrator to urinate in his mouth), the details are graphic, dark, and devastating.

Grooming
After the break, we see more clips, this time with men talking about grooming; you can read more about grooming in Daniel's story in this post. Grooming is a process in which the abuser earns the trust of the child and manipulates them so that when the abuse begins, and as it escalates, the child will not speak up to anyone. Various methods, many overlapping, include making the child feel like it's his fault or that somehow he wants it, threatening the child, and, in particular a devastating method for boys, is using their body's physiological response to convince them that they not only like it (and for some boys it does feel good) but that they want it.


Patrick & Kevin
Identical twins thought that Catholic school would be a safe place. The twins were altar boys and in third grade, age eight, a priest pulled them out of class 5-7 times a week to torture and abuse them. Eventually the priest forced them to choose--he could abuse them, or they could abuse each other. They would choose each other to protect one another from the priest. But then it became worse--over the 13 years, other priests joined in, binding the boys and gang raping them.

The two men are now in the studio sitting down with Oprah and the audience gives them a standing ovation. Oprah explains that they are standing together with them because they have lived through that pain and shame, and understand the horror. Oprah says her hope from this show is that it will release the guilt, that it's absolutely not their fault, that it's always the abuser's fault.

After a break the twins tells us that the priest offered them money, and they used that money for drugs. They became addicted to the drugs, which made them dependent up on the priest. They say it finally stopped, years later (they would have been 22 when it stopped if it began at age 8 and went on for 13 years) because their father suspected something wasn't right and so he began taping phone conversations. He was the one who found out and was able to put an end to it.

Abuse Changes You
Oprah asks if the twins feel changed, and they say absolutely. She spoke with men who are abusers, and one said that every time he abused the little girl he was hurting it was like "little murders", meaning that he knew he was profoundly altering who this little girl was and would become. The twins say that this is true, that every day they cry inside wondering who could have been, who they might be now had the abuse never happened. The potential to be someone else was taken from them, and one brother says he doesn't trust people and is a very bitter man. Tyler Perry reiterates that he, too, for many years was a bitter man.

Take The Power Back
Tyler says the only way to change away from being a bitter man is to get your power back by forgiving. He says it's a process, but you must do it. Oprah clarifies that forgiveness does not in any way mean saying that what happened was ok. Instead, she says, "Forgiveness means I am not going to let you continue to hold the reigns over my life." She says a beautiful definition of forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different; it's accepting the past for what it was and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward. This garners applause from all of the men.

Chad
When he was 7, Chad's father began abusing him. He says that it seemed like it would happen as soon as his mother would leave the house, and it was the only time his father gave him any attention. It started with his father making him touch the older man's genitals, escalating to oral sex. His father once tried to sodomize him but it didn't work, so he would kiss him and force him to continue the oral sex. It continued for 7 years, happening up to 4 times a week. The disgust in his voice as he recalls the feeling of his father's facial hair when he could kiss him is visceral and literally makes me want to vomit because of my own memories of abuse at the hands of my biological father. He says it was difficult for him, as it is for many men, because it felt good to his body and it caused him to question his sexuality. He finally told his mom at age 17, but no one in his family believed him.

In the studio, Chad recounts to Oprah confronting his father about 6 months ago. He told his father he was there to talk about what had happened; the father at first refused to talk to him but he threatened to yell it through the neighborhood so his father finally sat down. He says he expressed how it's affected him because he doesn't trust; he struggles with feeling good enough, worthy of being loved. Oprah says that it's healthy adn normal for him to feel a certain sense of shame, that his father was disrespecting him as a human and as his son, so of course he would take that in and have issues.

Oprah inquires about where his mother was when this was happening; Chad says that she was once in the bed sleeping right next to them (the whole family was sharing a bed at a hotel en route home from vacation, so his sister was there, asleep, as well) as it was happening. Oprah asks if Chad thinks his mother knew, and he says he sometimes thinks she must have had an inclination. His behavior changed drastically; at 13, 14 he began drinking and doing drugs. When he spoke up at 17, he was drunk and so his mother and sister thought he was just trying to break up the family.

After a break, Oprah tells us that her producers spoke to Chad's father. He admitted to molesting Chad and at one point was going to come on the show but changed his mind. The decision was made (not because of Chad's father) that the show was going to go the direction of being for the abused, for them to free themselves, and not to be in any way about the molesters speaking out. Oprah asks if the fact that his father admits what he did means that his father understands what he did, and Chad says no, he doesn't. Also painful is the fact that his mother remains married to and with his mother.

Oprah asks Chad about his children, if they know his father. He says that they have been around his father but don't hug or touch him and are never alone with him. Sometimes they are alone with his mother but never his father, and Oprah asks him how he could ever trust his mother to do right by his children if she didn't do right by him. He doesn't have the chance to respond, and she asks him if he's angry. He says he is still angry, he just takes it out on the wrong people. Oprah tells him that she hopes today is a start for healing and we go to break.

The Shame
After a break, some of the men in clips talk about how the shame owned them. One man says that it became a part of him, that he was part of the darkness. Another says that a horrible crime was committed against him when he was under ten years old and the crime against him shouldn't cause him to feel ashamed.

In the studio Oprah introduces Dr. Howard Fradkin ; he specializes in working with male victims of sexual abuse and assault. He has worked with over 1,000 men. The men applaud him, but I'm just so sad that there have been 1,000 men for him to work with, plus the 200 men in room. Oprah asks how it is that we don't know about this, and one man says that from the instant he was abused he felt complicit and that it was his fault. Oprah bluntly asks if there is a connection between male physiology, the tendency in most boys for their penis to become erect when being abused, and the idea amongst men that they're not only complicit, but enjoying the abuse and that it's their fault.

The doctor says that little boys want attention and so perpetrators pick them out. Oprah wants the men to know that it is not their fault. The mind of the molester is looking for the child who is most vulnerable and so the one who is abused has absolutely no fault in the abuse. Oprah says many want to know why people go back, and the perpetrator tells so many lies--they say they'll never do the bad stuff again. They say this is nurturing you, good for you, because they love you. Tyler Perry points out that so many of those little boys don't know what love is, which sets them up to believe the false love offered by their perpetrator.

Closing Thoughts
Oprah tells us that next Friday, in part 2 of 2 of this episode, we'll hear from the women who have been watching. Additionally, Dr. Fradkin will help walk through some of the effects of the abuse, and they'll begin to deal with what after effects--what comes after speaking up, and how to prepare for the possible reactions.

Gospel Filter Review (GFR)
I have written extensively on sexual abuse, so it's definitely best to refer back to those. The original Tyler Perry episode is a great resource in particular. Additionally, I'm so glad that there was an aspect of forgiveness that Oprah totally got right--forgiveness is NOT saying that what someone has done to you when they sin against you is ok. She's still missing the biggest piece, though, which is that forgiveness is only something we can give someone else through what Jesus has done for us, so read these posts; this one is the best resource for what true forgiveness is; read the GFR under the Terry McMillan segment.

Today, the biggest thing that stands out to me is redeeming the notion of shame to a Biblical one. Oprah was right when she says that when a person sexually abuses you they are leveling a disrespect toward you that absolutely can cause you to take ownership of the shame of that horrible crime. However, to simply say, "It's not your fault," doesn't cleanse you. I've shared pieces of my story before on this blog, and the sexual abuse I endured was always clearly not my fault. As soon as I knew it was wrong I was told in the same breath that it wasn't my fault. And it's true--an infant cannot bring sexual abuse on themselves. Neither can an older child; that said, the point is that I knew there was no way I did anything to deserve what had happened to me.

Yet knowing I wasn't culpable did not fix me. Even when I was older and knew that the abuse was wrong, even in one instance where a different man was so desperate to get a glimpse of my naked lower half around age 8 that I finally relented, but forced him to give me money just to see me for those literal two seconds, it was no different. Whether I did nothing or manipulated the situation to my advantage, as is the case with the incident, I felt the same driving desire to escape that anything had ever happened at all. The effects of abuse manifest differently in people; some go the route of wallowing in the shame and becoming self-destructive. Another common path is to deny anything "bad" ever happened and to go to the extreme of trying to be perfect and successful. I was the latter sort, yet deep down I experienced just as much shame and desire to cleanse the filth attached to me as someone who turns to substance abuse and promiscuity.

So, then, what is shame? Shame affects who you are. It tells you that your worth and value are intrinsically linked to either something horrible you have done or something horrible that was done to you. Our desire to be cleansed leads us many directions, but ultimately we are powerless to wipe the shame off of ourselves. In his book Redemption: Freed By Jesus From The Idols We Worship And The Wounds We Carry, Pastor Mike Wilkerson writes (italicized emphases his; bold emphases mine):

If you put your hope in your mere will power... to keep distance between you and your shameful past, you'll be put to shame the moment you stumble and those false hopes fail you. If your hope lies in your ability to mask your wounds by acting strong, in the constant affirmation of another to make you feel worthy, or in your vigilance to avoid being harmed again, you'll inevitably be put to shame because you are not strong enough to save yourself, no one can ultimately secure your identity against your own deep doubts, and you'll never have a risk-free life as long as you live in a fallen world.

Your only true hope for lasting healing that shields you from shame is Jesus... he has already begun the healing. When you are in Christ, the old has already passed away and the new has already begun (II Corinthians 5:17). You are now a new creation in Christ. He has already touched you with his forgiveness and his healing power... he has already taken away your shame, adopting you into his family where you now belong with no more shame. 

What's more, he has sent his Spirit to live in you to complete the restoration. The same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead has been sent to give you new life and reverse sin's effects, remaking you from the inside out [he footnotes these verses: 1 Corinthians 15:45; Romans 8:11; 2 Corinthians 5:17; Colossians 3:9-10; 2 Corinthians 3:18]. The Holy Spirit will not stop until you are perfected. In the end, you will be fully redeemed, fully healed, body and soul--not merely returned to "normal" (Whatever that is), but made glorious, fit for a new heaven and new earth in God's kingdom [he footnotes these verses here: Philippians 1:6; 1 John 3:2-3; Romans 8:23].

[Mike Wilkerson is a pastor at my church, Mars Hill Church in Seattle. His book is only available for pre-order until it comes out in January, but it's the source material we use in Redemption Groups, a ministry in which I am a leader, which is how I am quoting it.]

Great stuff, right? It hits on the truth--we cannot save ourselves. We cannot cleanse ourselves. The only true cleansing, the only real redemption, comes when we belong to Jesus Christ and He not only forgives us for our sin against Him, against a good, holy, and perfect God, but He also cleanses us of the sin perpetrated against us. Nothing else works. Believe me, I have tried. I tried to "take the power back", to quote Tyler Perry, by finding the goodness in my own heart to forgive my abusers, to be the bigger and better person. It never worked. The shame lingered, taunted me, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself it was done. The doubts that maybe somehow I did deserve what happened, or believing the lie that God caused the abuse to happen to me so I could be strong and then that would make him look good, still ate away at me, corrupting my very soul. For me, it was evident in the over 200 extra pounds that I packed onto my body. I could tell everyone I had it all together, but one look at me screamed otherwise.

Another great point is that it does us no good to torture ourselves with that might have been, how "normal" we might have turned out. For one, it did happen. There is no undoing the abuse. It's absurd to think we can, and yet fantasizing about how we could be so different if it never had happened still taunts us as some alternate reality. It's a lie of the enemy, Satan, the devil, to keep us living in shame and in the past. Again, only Jesus cleanses, redeems, restores, and not just allows us to move forward but helps us have a right perspective on the past, one that includes seeking Him to forgive those who sinned against us, but that also doesn't expect us to "let go" or "get over" anything. Jesus doesn't force us to skip past the grief, slap on a smile, and say, "All better now. Jesus fixed me." He patiently, lovingly walks with us, grieves with us, feels the anger and sorrow and betrayal with us. He doesn't add to our shame by making us feel bad that we feel bad. Again, that's a tactic of Satan, not Jesus.

Lastly, I want to recommend a book to anyone who has either been abused, knows someone who has been abused (perhaps a spouse or close friend), or just wants to be better equipped to lovingly walk through abuse survivors. I haven't read this book yet, but I am friends with this couple and they love Jesus, know their Bible, and, most importantly, love others with Jesus' love. Their desire to see people who have been sexually abused set free is one that I think is only surpassed by Jesus' own heart.

The book is called Rid of My Disgrace: Hope and Healing for Victims of Sexual Assault by Pastor Justin Holcomb and his wife, Lindsey Holcomb; again, they are personal friends, Justin is also a pastor at my church. They spend much time ministering to hurting people, and they don't even know I am plugging their book. Buy it anyway. In fact, I just pre-ordered it so that when it comes out and the next time I recommend it I have actually read it!


Finally, I want to end with this verse. I think nothing better expresses a heart freed from shame; additionally, no other verse makes it more clear that this is not something we do or earn, but is completely God's grace to us because He loves us.  My prayer is that every single one of those 200 men would pray this verse back to Jesus as worship, with hearts that are in love with Him and truly free from their bondage:

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit. 

2 Corinthians 3:18, ESV

Up Monday
World Exclusive: Oprah Talks to Michael Jackson's Mother and Children